And so it begins (Lent and Lethargy)

A week or two ago I felt like I was coming down with something. It was a weird combination of symptoms: fatigue, sore throat, but also a bit of a GI bug.

It wasn't really progressing, but it was the middle of the week and I figured I had picked up something at church on Sunday. I just couldn't get my energy back, though! And suddenly I recognized the feeling. In the spring every year I usually have a period where I'm totally dragging all the time. Not the same as winter malaise, a special springtime variation where the sun is out, everything is good, and yet I just want to sleep all the time. I've been attempting late afternoon couch time, but that also happens to be Sophia's neediest time, go figure...maybe it makes her nervous when I lie down.

I have a few old posts on "avitaminosis"...I just checked them and they were written in May, BUT with the mild winter, maybe things are just happening a bit out of order this year?

To get some energy back, I determined to get more sleep. Sometimes I think it's ridiculous that I don't get enough sleep, since I don't get up early for work, but...it's always something.

Of course as soon as I decided I was going to sleep more, there were obstacles...kids needing a cuddle, or the bedroom being too hot because it was warmer outside and the heat was still going full-blast. Etc. And then finally one night Andrei took over with Sophia, and when David got up early he quietly went about his business...a miracle! And I got some sleep. And then a few more nights after that I got probably 7 hours.

Trying to wake up

Happy Solstice! Although I have been focused on celebrating Advent and the Birth of Christ, I breathe a sigh of relief when we are on the other side and the days are starting to get longer again. We did a little Hanukkah dinner, too, meditating on the wonder of the Light that stayed.

(I came in to write about being tired....and discovered my computer was drained of energy, how ironic! Trying not to be mad at The Person who goes around plugging and unplugging things.)

(The Internet is being slow, too...but at least I can write!)

A few years ago, I read a book about Winter Blues or Seasonal Affective Disorder. Then last winter (earlier this year, apparently) I wrote a post here about my findings.  https://lizinstpete.blogspot.com/2019/02/sleep-and-sad-can-you-ignore-weather.html

Side note: Winter Blues (Norman E. Rosenthal) is worth reading for the case studies alone. Many of us will recognize ourselves in those mentioned...

"The physical difficulties start first: eating more, sleeping more, and the slowing down of brain functioning. Initially, I'm not sad. I can still sit down and laugh with friends and enjoy my favorite TV shows. As it becomes obvious that I'm less able to function at work or with friends, mental depression starts taking over. I have trouble writing Christmas cards, which adds to my depression, since I am unable to communicate with people I really care about..." (Case study of Peggy, page 29 Kindle Version)

"In his work as a sales representative, he found his productivity declined markedly in the winter months. He would sleep late, cancel appointments, and spend much of the day at home, depressed. When he was able to get to work, he came home exhausted and would collapse on the couch for the rest of the evening." (Neal, case study and president of the SunBox Company, page 26 Kindle Version)

"More bothersome to Herb than his social isolation was his decreased creativity during his depressed periods. He would procrastinate at work because "everything seemed like a mountain" to him, and his productivity decreased markedly. It was only by grim perseverance that he was able to write up his research from the previous spring and summer. His sleep was disrupted, and his characteristic enthusiasm for life evaporated." (Case study of Herb, page 12 Kindle Version)

..and there are more, but you get the idea. Physical lack of energy leading to lack of productivity leading to depression leading to even less motivation and productivity. In these cases, directly corresponding to the decreased daylight hours.

Back to my observations: Turns out my findings this year are similar to last year's even though I didn't remember my observations from last winter until I went back and read about it.

Sleep and SAD-can YOU ignore the weather?

Last year I was all about fighting the winter slump. I read at least one book on SAD, which primarily focused on light therapy. I schemed about changing the light fixtures in our apartment, and bought various "happy" lamps.

The happy light I bought (Phillips?) turned out to be the wrong voltage and my father in law fixed it up for Russian use, but it's the kind of thing where you want to have it sitting on a table near you, and I have 2 very curious/destructive kids. So I haven't wanted to risk having it out on a table, and there it sits in the closet! :(

I also got 2 "sunrise" alarm clocks. They're off-brand because I wasn't sure if I would like it (and again, things get broken quickly around here). I've tried them a few times and even though they claim to brighten gradually, I'm pretty much awake with the first hint of light, and then it feels like I'm at the dentist's or something with a bright light in my face. So, it doesn't feel the same as sunshine. A few times I tried just shining the light in my face when I first woke up to send the message to my body that IT'S DAYTIME NOW despite the dark outside. I didn't find it to be effective, though.

So those were my experiments from last year.



Fall 2018 

This year my online fitness group did a walking challenge again during the month of November-get outside every day. I did this faithfully for the first two weeks or so. It's supposed to a) help you get more daylight to keep your body in rhythm and b) give you lots of fresh air/positive exercise vibes.

Well, November is definitely the month when it all starts-the grey, dreary weather and desire to hibernate. The walks didn't feel like they helped at ALL.

On my way to the clinic not knowing I had appendicitis.

Motels and milestones

I couldn't really blog for a few weeks because I was spending my evenings (which start at 11 pm) looking for lodging for a 25-person family reunion in New England next summer. I like the challenge of a little online research. But it's actually hard looking for accommodations for such a large group. I even polled FB but no one had any specific suggestions. I found lots and lots of nice vacation rentals that seemed to cap out at about 20 people. Many houses had 6-8 bedrooms, but with 7 adult siblings plus parents (and all the men in my family are tall) plus spouses and kids, a queen bedroom for each family unit was not exactly sounding like a situation that would lead to peace and harmony.

Also, it turns out that October is not too early to book summer accommodations. Some places seemed to be still updating their rates, but lots were booked either from earlybirds or returning customers. And since I had to run ideas by everyone else, it wasn't possible to really jump on those properties that seemed to be filling up fast.

We seem to have found a solution, but I wonder what would make it easier for the next time. Do I really think I know what would work for everyone, or am I only thinking about my own preferences? Do we HAVE to be near the beach? The map was dotted with tons of choices "off the beaten path." But what is a summer vacation without the sea? And what would we all do on a country estate for a week? Or in a ski lodge? Everyone says "we just rent a big house and all pick rooms when we get there." Yeah, but HOW? But even if I had the perfect formula, each kid/adult will be a year older the next time and it will all change. Anyway, we're hoping my dad will be well enough to make the drive and join us for the week-long getaway.

January challenge conclusions

As I wrote about last month, for January I focused on changing family sleep habits. Specifically, mine and Sophia's were problematic. Of course Andrei is also sleep-deprived on a regular basis, so he also benefits from Sophia sleeping better. But he controls his own sleep habits. ;)

Ironically, we flew to the U.S. on January 30, resetting our internal clocks. But I guess you could say it was the perfect final "exam"! :)

Surprisingly, both kids slept well while we were in the U.S. Sophia did not have her usual "happy hour" in the middle of the night. However, this meant that she was waking very early the first few mornings and I got to experience what so many parents of early-bird toddlers complain about. I went to sleep early, but still found it hard to get up early. Even when we started sleeping a little later, I found myself prone to morning melt-downs. I'm definitely not a morning person! And I also wondered, is there something wrong with ME or is it just a matter of whether the crankiness happens in the morning or afternoon?

Now that we've been back in Russia for a week, Sophia is starting to sleep better. However, this is thanks partly to my meticulously planning and limiting her naps. It is counter-intuitive for me to do this, but it has gotten her sleeping at night again. While she had fought her second nap for several months, I finally learned that is it actually the MORNING nap that should be dropped, making more awake time in the first half of the day rather than the second half. I also read that there should be about 4 hours of awake time between the last nap and bedtime. We'd been doing it the opposite, napping earlier and then crashing an hour or two before bedtime. I think we're on the right track now!

Fourth week of January

Another Monday, another blog post...

I guess my blog might be boring this year if I'm posting a lot about self-improvement goals, but progress is always interesting to track, right?

Have you ever done a sleep challenge? How did it go? I know some people work on getting up earlier in order to exercise or whatever.

You can read here about why I'm doing sleep in January.

So, here are a few of the latest experiments.

Action: Go to bed at the same time as David.
Result: I tried it a few times! The first night, I was really tired and fell asleep earlier. I was probably in bed a good 10 hours! But as a result I couldn't fall asleep the next night. Went to bed early, but stayed up late reading and was exhausted in the morning.
Conclusion: This could work if I set my alarm in the morning so as not to ruin my sleep for the next night. However, I think I would prefer to have a little alone time in the evening before bed.

Action: Don't go to bed at the same time as David.
Result: I feel so much more content when I can hang out a little after the kids go to bed, when the house is quiet. Each day should have a clear beginning and end, and I need that time for closure. Often, Andrei takes care of Sophia at night and I don't really need to be with her again for several hours. But of course when she's sleeping poorly, I'm always on edge wondering whether I'll be summoned again, and how Andrei is faring. So although our kids go to bed later (not by 8:30 like experts recommend), it helps me psychologically to have some time to wind down even if it means I get less sleep.
Conclusion: I seem to need about 2 hours to wind down once the house is quiet. Ideally at least 1 hour by myself. I noticed that when David is in bed at 11 pm (usually the case), I stay up until 1 am. Getting him to sleep by 10 pm would help me get to bed by midnight. Maybe a good goal.

Mid-month goal status-January

So how is everyone doing with their New Year's resolutions? I've seen a lot of interesting recipes being posted on Instagram. I conveniently scheduled my diet goals for after Valentine's Day, lol.

So, I mentioned before that I'm doing a "sleep challenge" for January. Meaning, that is my focus area and I'm giving myself permission not to stress about other areas of life for now.

I'm sooo tired.

First of all, small victories:

-During the first week of January, we conquered the New Year's Eve jet-lag, going from waking at noon to waking more like 10 o' clock. And we got David back to his pre-holiday bedtime. Progress!
-I managed to discipline myself to set my alarm to wake up earlier even when it seemed like it was going to be a bad night. (I wouldn't do this if I had a newborn or an illness but sometimes the timing is right.)
-I was able to avoid certain late-night vices, some of the time.
-I started taking my vitamins again regularly which was a secondary goal for this month.
-I started easing back into exercise which will hopefully lead to better sleep as well.


Continuing challenges:

-Sophia's continuing sleep regression makes it virtually impossible to go to bed earlier.
-Nobody is getting more sleep or feeling more rested.


Other notes:

Best-laid plans of 2018

Only ran around for 40 minutes with this blank page open while I restarted the router and fought with the VPN to get David watching BeatBugs so I could do some blogging! That is just to say that plans must always be rather flexible.

Welcome, New Year!

In 2018 I decided to have a focus area for each month. People talk about having a year of saying "yes" or "no" and mine could be described as a year of making myself wait until it's time for that focus area, so that I can give attention to just 1 or 2 goals at a time.

Some of the focus areas are more abstract and some are projects that will get completed.

My focus area for January 2018 is sleep. 

I know it sounds better to start off with a new Bible reading plan or something, but I am desperate to have more energy to do things again and I am just trusting that it will happen in time.

In the past I have tried many times to go to bed earlier and at this point I will be setting an alarm clock to work on the morning end of things as well. I don't sleep well, but my kids get up late enough that getting up with an alarm clock won't hurt.

We don't have a newborn or early morning commitments, so it's a good time to try to tweak our sleep schedule when we're not completely sleep-deprived, just not quite getting enough.


A few notes so far as of January 4th:

Birthdays as an adult

Not going to write about a party or growing older...just some rambling about everyday life mingled with birthday stuff.

So my birthday was a few days ago and I set expectations low...no offense to anyone who helped make it special, which I appreciated. ;)

I had the usual birthday insomnia. Does anyone else have that? Again not even really related to deep thoughts about growing older....just general wakefulness and trying to plan out the next day.

Finally was trying to fall asleep around 2:30 a.m., when Sophia joined me for the night. After several wake-ups, I started getting birthday texts around 8 am (on a Sunday morning). However, they were not texts from actual people. They were from stores wanting to "congratulate" me...and inviting me to buy something, of course.

Around 9 Sophia was up for the day, so I headed into another room to play, but Andrei sent me back to bed. After tossing and turning, I was just drifting back to sleep when a friend called. I lied and pretended I hadn't been sleeping. We talked for 5-10 minutes and I really tried to be conversational. But I couldn't help thinking my cup was empty...my people energy, that is.

Andrei made me breakfast, and Sophia was napping by that time since she'd been up for a few hours. Then he went to finish sermon prep and David and I started to make a cake...but Sophia woke up. Like I said, I had low expectations...I looked at the bowl with the butter sitting in it all alone since I hadn't mixed anything together yet. It wasn't too late to run and get dessert from the store. But Andrei took Sophia and encouraged me to go ahead with it.

Family life

I figured if I went to write a status report then everything would change. Sure enough, I was going to write about how David had been calmer lately, and then he was a bit out of control today. Oh well, I think in general he is getting used to having a younger sibling. In some ways it is just as I pictured: brother and sister doing funny things and entertaining the rest of us. Along with fighting over toys and pinching each other or whatever.

I noticed recently that David was playing by himself more and okay with me doing something else or even being in a different room. It's great if I can get something done without needing to turn on a show for him.

Sonya (Sophia) is army-crawling and even has callouses on her tiny toes from pushing off. She has become very interested in small objects. I have systems for keeping David's toys boxed up and out of the way, but there is always that one thing that gets out...and if there is one small object in the entire room, Sonya will find that one object.

I've felt that kind of bone-tiredness lately where you are kind of going on auto-pilot, totally exhausted. Definitely spacey at times and having a hard time forming complete sentences! Sonya is up a lot at night.  For a while she was waking up halfway through the night, eating, and then playing for like an hour. I often had to call Andrei to come take her and rock her back to sleep. So basically I would start out sleeping with David, then switch rooms and sleep with Sonya, and then go back and forth a few more times. The beds are on opposite sides so I kept getting confused about where the edge was! Basically like the newborn days. Sonya isn't playing as much at night but she still wakes up a lot and whines or moves around. I don't normally look at the clock, but there are a lot of disruptions.

Speaknig (whoops) of sleep, I had this whole plan to cut out computer time in the evening and go to bed earlier. I was going to be well-rested. I think Sonya started the shenanigans around the same time. So after a few days I was going to bed earlier, but behind on various correspondence, missing things like blogging, and still sleep-deprived. So now I don't know.

It will probably all be different a week from now anyway...and then different again the next week.

Nighty-night notes and time travel

Before I get in bed for my sleep shift, there are two last letters I have to write.

1) The first is to write in my prayer journal. Unloading some needless worries is a pretty good way to end the day! It can get a little lonely taking turns with the kids instead of with each other, especially at night. So I have to spend a little time with Someone who helps lift that loneliness.

2) The other is kind of a fun one: I leave notes under David's pillow. Once he's asleep, I join him later for a few hours while Andrei is with the baby. I have to admit, David's bed is pretty comfy! But I also like to snuggle with him while I still can and just enjoy him without a baby sister interrupting (although she does eventually interrupt when Andrei brings her in for a feeding).

He always asks who's going to sleep with him, but most of the time he would never know I was ever in his bedroom. So I got the idea to leave a note for him, kind of like the Tooth Fairy! Last night I actually did one with his Invisible Ink pen. In general they say the same thing each night, but it's the thought that counts! Sometimes it feels like we're all in different time zones, overlapping at times to all be awake together. And at other times, watching each other sleep.

Pillow note

The new typical Tuesday (AKA taking turns napping)

Andrei had one of his heavier teaching days today and also had to get up earlier. As he was about to leave, David woke up, and I had just spent the past 90 minutes or so settling Sophia, in anticipation of more sleep. Andrei set up David with a movie and set off for work. David loves TV time as much as any kid his age, but doesn't necessarily like it as a solo activity. For now he found an imaginary playmate and made some commentary periodically. But I can't say I got more sleep. A "survive until naptime" kind of day!

The next goal was to eat breakfast and look presentable before Babushka Nina (Andrei's mom) arrived. 2 hours goes by faster than you'd think! As I made myself some breakfast, I kept stopping to give David various menu items to keep him placated. So I only ate part 1 of my breakfast and then took David with me around to different rooms making beds and putting together an outfit. Of course every once in a while I would feed, burp or change Sophia, or put her back to sleep. She can still sleep a lot, though seems to be sensitive to noise.

David kept suggesting games which we didn't have time for, particularly something called "making a robot" which sounded pretty involved. We did finally read some books while I was nursing Sophia. A current favorite is a book about the Human Body, and skeletons were a big theme this summer.

Despite all that running around I only got half (of two) beds made, and was nursing Sophia when Nina arrived, so couldn't open the door for her. I had planned to quickly (haha) get everyone out the door for some fresh air before it got close to lunch/nap(cranky) time. However, David did NOT want to go outside. He wanted to see what Nina had in her purse for him, and there was a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur to play with. Then I changed the plan and decided it was too close to naptime to attempt a trip to the playground. "I want to go OUTSIDE" said David.

Sophia had just eaten, so took a nap while we had a little lunch (plus the other half of my breakfast) and tea with banana muffins. Then she was waking up and it was time to put David down for a nap. The way for me to get sleep to would be to lie down with David while Nina took care of the baby, since Sophia isn't always a quiet sleeper. However, I had to wait for Sophia to wake up first, so I had Nina start the process of putting David down for a nap.

After Sophia was all fed, I checked on David and he wasn't nearly asleep. He was very upset when I switched off with Nina even though I promised she would be there when he woke up. I just couldn't wait any longer to take a nap. Despite the neighbors hammering above us, he managed to fall asleep after about an hour, while I lay there wondering when the baby would be hungry again! I woke up at every creak and thump, but must have slept since I had some very interesting dreams.

When David and I woke up, we heard Andrei's voice! I had expected him a few hours later but it turns out his evening class was actually in the morning now and he'd told me already (no memory of that). So we had a nice surprise with him home earlier.

We were all settled in the kitchen having tea and snacks and I looked wistfully at the late afternoon sun and said we should probably just stay inside since everyone was content. "I want to go OUTSIDE!" said David. Andrei went to lie down and and Nina and I worked quickly to get David into some clothes before he changed his mind (coat/sweater/shirt/gloves layered just the right way). "I want to stay INSIDE!" said David. And sneezed 5 times in a row on both of us. But I quickly ushered them out the door and sat down at my computer!

Next time maybe I will leave everyone else at home and go outside for my own walk.

Sleep Challenge: Week 1

The other day I stumbled upon an article offering X number of ideas for achieving Y. You know, ones that often turn out to be click-bait. In this case it promised tips for improving sleep quality: http://www.mommypotamus.com/sleep-tips/

I was pleasantly surprised to find some good ideas in there, as opposed to just time management ideas for making yourself go to bed on time.


A few that I can say I've already tried:

-taking Magnesium
-cutting out caffeine
-making the room dark for sleep
-getting some light exercise

Although I get around the same amount of sleep most nights, the quality varies. Sometimes I have trouble falling or staying asleep and other times I wake up in the morning unable to remember how the night went.


What I'm trying right now:

-switching computer to warm light in the evening with the software they recommend: https://justgetflux.com/
-getting out in the daylight earlier in the day (which is only possible before 3 or 4 pm)

Results so far: These sleep "hacks" are all pretty difficult when it is so dark outside! This week has been a tiny bit less overcast, so I feel better when I'm outside, and I don't feel so "confused" about the time of day even though I still feel sleepy.

When I first installed f.lux, I loved the effect as the screen was bathed in warm light. I felt like it was lulling me to sleep. Since then, however, I feel that I have "adapted" and once again learned to push through and have a second wind. I'm thinking about fiddling with the time zone so that it goes to warm light even earlier, in order to send me to bed!


Other steps I want to try:

-Using a "wakeup light" to mimic natural sunlight in the morning.
-Turning off wi-fi at night.
-Going to bed before the second wind kicks in.

And something I haven't figured out yet:

-Keeping the bedroom cool for sleeping. (forced hot air and the radiators don't seem to have any sort of knob for adjustment)



I recommend checking out the blog post! Have you ever tried to kind of reset your body clock?

Blah

I've been feeling really tired/cranky lately, and I hesitate to even write about it on here! Not exactly breaking news. But we DID make it through the busiest two weeks of the semester, so I guess we just need to have a little patience with ourselves and each other as we recover.

We moved David's bedtime a little later in the hopes that he wouldn't wake up quite so early. It works sometimes. The only problem is that now there's one hour less in the evening for doing whatever we need to do. So a little less morning grogginess and one less hour of productivity in the evening. Sometimes I think about doing the opposite and going to bed at the same time as him but waking up earlier to "get stuff done." But then he would probably hear me moving around and wake up!

Anyway, this was kind of a post about nothing...just to say that we're alive and well. The miracle of the Resurrection was just this past Sunday, and we don't take that for granted. We just need a little reminding sometimes...

"When am I going to get my own blog?"

Stroller naps

Night and day! That's what the difference feels like between whether David has taken a nap or not.

Disclaimer: Andrei and I are not obsessed with David's sleep schedule. :)

BUT...before becoming a parent, I always thought it was kind of weird how parents would talk about this magic combination they had found for their child to sleep (or eat or use the potty, etc.). Place him in X position and turn on X song for him to fall asleep. Place a spoon in each hand and turn on The Little Mermaid for her to eat her oatmeal. Ridiculous, right?

Ahem.

It gets me 2 hrs of free time, okay?

Whereas I had previously thought that parents using all these funny methods were trying TOO hard, I now realize that it's the opposite. Employing methods that "work for now" actually feels a lot more laidback. Yes, you might have some weaning to do later, but it will get you through this season.

We are really privileged to have this indoor porch area (pictured above) in our apartment off one of the rooms. It's in very good condition, though not quite warm/cozy enough to be a hang-out place...more of a space to be used for storage or messy projects.

Russians are big on fresh air (though not drafts) for sleeping, and if you can't get outside, an alternative is to use one of these porches...if you have a closed-in, one of course. There are others that are more of a balcony-type and used more typically for smoking growing flowers in window boxes. In fact, that's how the pigeon got in that time.

If the baby is small enough and you have a closed-in porch, you get him all dressed, pack him into a bag/basket/cradle, and toss him out there  for a nice peaceful slumber with some fresh air.

Still asleep!

Getting David ready for his porch stroller nap is almost like going on a walk except that there's only one person to get dressed. All the additional wrappings I need are a sweater and slippers! We also put the monitor out there in case we're not going to be in earshot. He is usually asleep within 15-20 minutes of "strolling." Of course, he is also in a "sleeping with specific animals" phase, so that adds a few minutes. But it's still easier than rocking/ bouncing in our arms!

When David gets a good stroller nap, I feel like I can finally relate to some of those other moms who actually get stuff done. I can start to believe that it isn't a conspiracy. There have been projects I've put off for years months only to finish them in one naptime. Sometimes I even finish them in one hour and then I have another hour to do something else. Wow! Sometimes I can do dinner prep or get all the dishes to be clean AT THE SAME TIME. Sometimes I do an exercise workout AND take a shower, all without being interrupted.

Other times, I lie down and take a nap. That's gotta count for something, too. :)

Sitting around

About those blog updates...

I think they might have to wait until next year week.

My hands are a little,...ummmm.....full.

Sleep aid testimonial

I've blogged about my sleep philosophy before. I don't think anyone would argue with me that developing good habits is the best strategy. But having a regular routine is more of a goal than a remedy. Sometimes we just get off-schedule, and even if we're meaning well, an attempt to "go to bed earlier" can result in lying awake for 3-4 hours.

Getting up earlier as an attempt at discipline doesn't always work because you end up being groggy and building up a sleep-debt, while still having the same trouble falling asleep at night.

In a recent post, I mentioned natural remedies. A few days ago I purchased a new sleep-inducing herbal tea. It's called "Nighty Night Tea" by Traditional Medicinals.

+/-

In the instructions it says, "To encourage nighttime relaxation, drink 2-3 cups late in the day and 1/2 hour before bedtime." (reference http://www.herbsmd.com/detail/Nighty-Night-Tea-7432.htm) All I did was brew a cup and drink it while doing my final e-mail check before bed. I'm not sure how long it took me to fall asleep, but it was under an hour for sure, and I woke up feeling rested.

The two dominant herbs in the tea are passionflower and chamomile. I've tried straight chamomile tea before, with little results. The funny thing about passionflower that I've just learned is that it also has a reputation as an aphrodisiac. Not too sure about that one. :)

I've slept "through the night" (with minor interruptions) twice now, in spite of various aches and pains. In the past, I could spend several hours in bed, yet get up feeling like I'd never slept.

The nice thing about tea is that it's non-addictive and you can just use it as an aid a few times, and then your body should be able to adjust to the new routine so that you won't need a sleep aid.

As with all types of medicines, make sure you check the ingredients/side-effects and read the instructions carefully!

Interpret this

I couldn't fall asleep again. I tried wearing an eyemask, which had helped before, but it felt like there was too much pressure on my nose, and I didn't want to have another nosebleed. I wonder what would happen if I just took a handkerchief and blindfolded myself. Would that be a suffocation hazard?

When I fell asleep, I had a nightmare about a tsunami hitting St.Petersburg (don't laugh!). I was standing near the gulf of Finland and suddenly from the city came this wall of water. I was stuck between a huge wall of water and the gulf; there was nowhere to go; I had to swim. I tried diving into the biggest waves as I was taught, but there was so much water that it felt like it would never end. I left the water tumble over me, and somehow I didn't drown. Then I found myself in an emergency shelter. They had ordered everyone into shelters in case of aftermath from the tsunami, but being Russians, everyone was disobeying and escaping from the shelters. They were calling the tsunami a monsoon for some reason.

A few days later I was riding in a bus and there was a crowd of policemen standing around a pile of dead policemen, who had been killed by the tsunami. They had gathered around one body and were having an impromptu funeral. All the policemen were wearing dark blue uniforms.

These dreams are coming from someone who does not watch television!

I've been having a lot of dreams about suffocating and drowning lately, maybe I sleep with too many pillows?

Thoughts before sleep

A few nights ago while trying to fall asleep, I began to meditate on the words of the song "Refiner's Fire." I chose it because I wanted to rid my mind of the unneeded baggage of the day and just be ready to start fresh in the morning.

Purify my heart,
let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
let me be as gold, pure gold.

Refiner's fire,
my heart's one desire
is to be…holy;
set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be…holy;
set apart for You,
my Master,
ready to do Your will.

Purify my heart,
cleanse me from within
and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
cleanse me from my sin, deep within.

But as I was thinking about the words, I realized that it's not the gentle song that it seems at first. By the melody it's soothing, but I don' t know if going through a refining fire is so easy. Surely it's hard, although the prospect of becoming pure and holy is comforting.

It's like that song, "take me into the Holy of Holies....take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am." Also sung to a slow tempo, but...Ouch! Getting touched with a hot coal? There are a lot of worship songs that have a pretty weak meaning, but here are two that are the opposite: they sound slow and gentle, but have some words that are quite powerful if put into practice. Be careful what you pray/sing about!

Thankfully, the promises outweigh the painful processes that we might have to endure.

I did get to sleep a little earlier that night.


P.S. I didn't bother to look up authors of these songs. Sorry!

Retrospective-Age 17, The Era of the Sleepy Teenager

Don't you hate when your favorite tv show has a retrospective episode and you have to wait a whole week for the storyline to continue?

Well, that's what I'm currently doing on my blog. :) Except that although it's a look at my past, this material has never been published before, because I've taken it from an old prayer journal.

Age 17

This was the year when I was applying to colleges, taking tough classes, and generally not sleeping. And there was a significant lack of journaling.

Mon/Tues Dec.14, 1:30 a.m.

"I didn't want to stay up so late but I did. I've started dreading each new day because of having to get up early. But I'm realizing I should have a different attitude."

That's all. :) Apparently I was either too exhausted to write any more or couldn't decide what that "different attitude" was supposed to be.