What Christian marriage really looks like

When Andrei and I were engaged or maybe newly married, I remember talking with a friend about how hard it was to find time to spend together as a couple. She had been married a while already and had a few kids, and kind of laughed a little in response. "I remember those days!" she said. And I wondered what other kind of marriage relationship there would be, once you're not striving to spend every minute of every day together.

One thing that happens sometimes if you're church members is that the ministry that might have brought you together in the first place often keeps you physically apart. You might fall in love with someone by seeing him/her serving others, but later that service is what keeps your loved one from coming home earlier. And your family life might be interrupted by ministry-related phone calls. Even weekends are often taken up by "church activities." When Andrei and I were dating, my dad once visited our church on a Sunday, and wondered if we had had an argument. We never even bothered sitting together at services because I would sing on the worship team and then go to sit down just as Andrei was getting up to preach or make an announcement. Half the time I would leave to go teach Sunday school and never even be in the room at all aside from dropping/collecting my coat.

We spent more time together BEFORE we were dating, going to McDonald's after church with our small group! We were all free to just hang out!

Here we are

It was interesting to reminisce as we arrived at Pulkovo airport yesterday after a honeymoon trip.

Last summer, Andrei met me at the airport as I returned from a trip to the States. He often did this to help me out, even though it meant carrying one of my 50-pound suitcases in each hand as we took a bus, then the metro, then made our way up to the 4th floor or wherever I was living at the time.

But the thing is that we weren't dating at that time. So last July I was standing there at baggage claim, very glad that Andrei was waiting outside, but wishing that he had a deeper motive for meeting me at the airport. A hug would be nice, or flowers...or a surprise declaration of love? Then again, that would have been rather odd as we hadn't discussed anything beyond friendship, at least in any more than hypothetical terms.

He met me as promised in the waiting area, and accompanied me and my bags all the way to the new apartment where I was going to be living. The one where he would help me move furniture and come pick me up for our first date a month later (but neither of us predicted that, of course.)

And now we are back in the neighborhood where we first met, when I was living here 7 years ago, in the building next door to him, and wondering if he was ever going to come courting. We're back from our honeymoon and settling into our first shared apartment.

That's just an example of what can happen in one year...or seven, if you like.
 

A happy accident

The wedding is three months away and Andrei and I have virtually no photos together, aside from a few candids. I used to scoff at the idea of "engagement" photo shoots, but now I understand why it is a good season of life to immortalize.

We haven't been able to schedule a photo shoot for various reasons, but we were walking in the park on Sunday when we suddenly ran into a friend from church, camera in tow. Before we could even react, he snapped our photo. And there you have it.

The first interesting thing about going to Moscow in February...

...is that I spent Valentine's Day on a train with my fiance.

Well, sort of. We were headed to Moscow to do paperwork, and it was already 11pm when our train departed. We had "platzkart" tickets (see details here), and that meant bunkbeds in an open cabin. I had traveled platzkart to Moscow by myself before, but this time I had Andrey to protect me, drink tea with me, and tuck me in before getting into his own bunk.

Valentine's Day is usually referred to in Russia as "Lovers' Day." In the past I would wish people a "Happy Valentine's Day" and they didn't really get it. They would ask me, "Have you found someone?" It wasn't the same holiday I knew from home that was full of chocolate, conversation hearts, and movie night with the girls. But this year, I fit the Russian description.

Announcement

Andrey and I announced our engagement at church on Sunday. We had tried to keep it a secret since the proposal in December. :) It was really fun telling everyone all at once!


Andrey was preaching and I was upstairs at Sunday School, so he had to come get me when it was time. When we entered the room, everyone broke out in loud applause! I didn't expect that.

Before saying a prayer over us, the pastor exhorted the congregation to do two things: 1) To pray for us as we prepare for marriage and 2) For married couples to invite us to have fellowship and be our mentors. It looks like we are going to do a lot of visiting in the next few months!

It's one thing when people say you make a "cute" couple or are "perfect" for each other, but when they really KNOW you and have been praying for you, it means a lot to hear them confirm that this relationship is of the Lord. We are very blessed!

The church and the opposite sex

The last dating scenario I posted was a bit dismal. To remedy that, I'd like to share a great 2-part sermon from Josh Harris.

He provides some sound biblical principles for relating to the opposite sex as Christians. It's helpful for both single and married church members, but emphasizes the current dating situation in the modern church.

Part one focuses more on singles, and part two focuses on what the church can do to support them.

I couldn't find the transcript anywhere, but you can follow the link and listen to the audio file. It's quite user-friendly.

http://www.covlife.org/resources/series/Courtship+Shmourtship

Awkward

Hilarious yet accurate depiction of the notorious "coffee date."

Christian women's babble, Part 2

I think that the most useful piece of information found in any book on relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, is the reminder that men and women think differently.

It's not necessarily good news to note that your actions are "typically female" or that a guy's mysterious behavior is "typically male" (or vice versa). But when viewed in light of the fact that we are created by a loving God, and that He orchestrated all of this to His glory, it all starts to make sense.

"Lady in Waiting"* accomplishes this goal. It presents the ways that a woman can be feminine in Christ, developing the qualities that her Creator designed for her.

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In part 1 of my review, I noted my disgust with the reference to single Christian women being desperate for dates. Throughout the book, we find charges not to despair over a dateless Friday, Saturday, or month gone by. The worst offense is the use of the term "datelessness" (p. 44). This is similar to the Russian word for a single person being "not married." It implies that the default state for any person is to be in a relationship with a significant other, be it dating, engaged, or married.

The book constantly refers to "dating," but doesn't mention actual guidelines for dating until chapter 9. While the point of the book is to address women's overall spirituality qualities, I think that not clarifying the authors' viewpoints at the very beginning was an oversight. Although the authors clearly love the Lord and live by Christian values, I felt that they were a little timid about enforcing boundaries, perhaps wanting to leave it up to the reader.

The Book of Ruth is used as the main Scripture reference for "Lady in Waiting." While I'm not completely in agreement with the way the Scripture is stretched to fit the framework of the book, I can't think of a better example of a woman in the Bible for the subject matter.

Another thing I want to mention is the inappropriate choice of examples to illustrate points. I already mentioned the "dateless Saturday" one as a bad example of woes that Christians face (there are lot of better examples that are more common). Here is another one: "Lisa even told her boyfriend she was pregnant so he would make a commitment to marry her." (p.94) This was used as an example of insecurity. Talk about worst-case scenario! I wonder what percentage of readers have ever been tempted to do what "Lisa" did? One day you're wallowing in a pit of despair because you don't have a hot date...the next, you're having premarital sex with your boyfriend and manipulating him? Were those the only scenarios they could come up with?

Or how about this one:

"A very attractive and popular high school girl was challenged to develop a list of biblical dating standards and to put them into practice. She carried a copy of those standards in her wallet for five years. Thus she dated more Boazs than Bozos because her conviction helped her clearly see the type of guys with whom she was relating and ultimately dating. " (127)

Well, how lovely for her. The unattractive and unpopular students clearly need not bother since they'll be sitting at home enjoying dateless evenings. Or on dates with Bozos. Improving the "case studies" would change this book from good to excellent.

The edition I purchased happens to have a study guide for the chapters AND a devotional guide in case you need more ideas for processing the information. The study guide includes assignments such as paraphrasing a Bible passage, saying what it means to you, and making lists on various topics. The devotional guide is based around the framework of the book and includes additional quotes and stories for reflection. In my opinion, you don't really need these sections.

"Lady in Waiting" touches on the most vital questions that a woman faces in her spiritual walk. I would recommend it mostly for young single women.

I've chosen an excerpt from each chapter that I feel best represents that chapter, or was the most interesting to me.

1. Lady of Reckless Abandonment

"A college professor...told a group of young women that when she was eight years old, her mother told her a secret that has guided her perspective on life. The most important thing her mother would ever tell her was, "No one, not even the man you will marry one day, can make you happy-only Jesus can." ...this secret allowed her to grow up following Jesus with reckless abandonment." (14)

2. Lady of Diligence

"The single woman can be involved in the Lord's work on a level that a married woman cannot because of the distractions and responsibilities of being a wife and mother. Ironically, some single women can be so distressed by their single state that they become emotionally more distracted than a wife and mother of four children." (26)

3. Lady of Faith

"You have nothing to fear except getting in His way and trying to 'write the script' rather than following His." (45)

4. Lady of Virtue

[Ephesians 4:30a] says, 'Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God.' You grieve or hurt God's Spirit when you choose to think, say, or do something that offends God...from the time you wake in the morning until you go to bed at night, set your heart's desire on exalting Him.

5. Lady of Devotion

"If you want your devotion to God to be complete, don't merely brush at sin lightly. Get in there and confess it, clean it up, and clear it out. Be rid of it." (70)

6. Lady of Purity

"God intricately and delicately formed women with emotional characteristics that differ from men. A woman cannot separate her emotions from her physical state." (82)

7. Lady of Security

"When you see a woman going after the guys, you probably don't immediately say, 'Yes, I see that she really is insecure!' Insecurity dwells in the heart. What you see outwardly is a woman's age-old ability to manipulate and maneuver. When a woman manipulates a situation, she feels personal satisfaction because she believes she is in control." (97)

8. Lady of Contentment

"Why some males are unaware of their capacity to defraud is still a mystery. 'And that no man transgress and defraud his brother [sister] in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things...' (1 Thess. 4:6). To defraud is to excite physical or emotional desires that cannot be righteously fulfilled.' (108)

9. Lady of Conviction

"Once you have set dating standards and understand the significance of a constant motive check, (daily bringing the flutters in your heart to the Lord), you are ready to consider other guidelines for successful dating and relating. " (129)

10. Lady of Patience

"Wait patiently. Perhaps you are giving God time to prepare, not yourself, but your beloved. Let your heavenly Father accomplish His work thoroughly while your single man is undistracted." (144)

*Kendall, Jackie, and Debby Jones. "Lady in Waiting." Shippensburg: Destiny Image Publishers, 1995

What Christian women think about

Last week I was shunning books and going on a "sola scriptura" stint. Then I found myself at the bookstore with a friend, and hadn't done my research, and ended up walking out with a few Christian books on women's topics. Uh-oh.

As with the last book of this sort that I read, I think that the one I'm reading is going to be edifying, yet have some weak arguments that are going to bother me.

So I'm going to lift the veil to share a few thoughts. And then I will write a more complete review later. The book is called "Lady in Waiting"* and the subtitle is "Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr.Right"**...which sounds really corny, but is a worthy topic for a book.

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Problem #1-The opening. The roommate has just gotten married, and the poor single woman is crushed.

"As the happy couple drives to the perfect honeymoon, you sit alone in a empty apartment, drowning your envy and self-pity with a half gallon of Heavenly Hash ice cream." (13)

Actually, no. First of all, the stereotype is wrong. Not all women drown their sorrows in ice cream. I am more likely to lose my appetite and throw up.

Second of all, I don't normally feel jealous when a close friend or family member gets married. I think the reason is that when you are involved in the ceremony or even just witnessing it, you can sense reality. You know a little about the journey and can rejoice with them for making it to this day. But you also realize it isn't a fairytale. And there is an air of mystery that reminds you that God's in charge.

It is when I'm watching a romantic comedy or looking at a long-distance friend's sickeningly sweet beautiful wedding album online that I may start to feel resentful, simply because the view of reality is missing. So I have to limit that kind of input sometimes.

Problem #2- The authors' assumptions about the audience.

"Rather than staying home worrying about another 'dateless' Saturday night, realize how much valuable time has been entrusted to you at this point in your life." (26)

This statement disappointed me because I felt that it made an assumption about the reader....namely, that she is a woman who adheres to a worldly concept of dating. I normally appreciate it more when the author assumes the higher standard...not because I think I am better, but because I feel more motivated when more is expected. Even though the authors make a good point here, I almost didn't want to keep reading because I felt that that particular situation didn't apply to me. What am I going to do if the entire book discusses dating principles for a model that I don't necessarily agree with? I guess I will find out.

Saturday night has never been associated with dating for me. The typical Saturday is usually a marathon of chores, errands, and trying to squeeze in a visit with precious friends. Then sometimes there's preparing Sunday school props until about midnight, and trying to get my clothes ironed, etc. so I don't have to wake up my roommate, who has Saturday church. If anything, Sunday is the day when you're taking the day off and wouldn't mind doing something special. But I really doubt that the average woman expects someone to suddenly invite her on a date, or that "this Saturday (Friday, Sunday) will be different."

Of course it's another story when you like someone in particular and sit around waiting for a call, text, anything that shows he is thinking about you. You have to keep focused and keep living life, which is probably what the authors meant.

Making assumptions about your audience is a risk. Sometimes you nail it, and sometimes you don't. I think this book is going to be correct about a few things, but it also brings up a lot of arguments, in my mind at least.

*Kendall, Jackie, and Debby Jones. "Lady in Waiting." Shippensburg: Destiny Image Publishers, 1995

**An alternate is "Developing Your Love Relationships." I'm a bit confused as to which is correct as it's labeled differently in different places.

Marriage (a book review)

I whisked away my roommate's copy of "25 Surprising Marriages"* before she had a chance to read it herself.

It's not a study in "happily ever after," although the couples involved are bound for eternity with Christ. It's a collection of stories about the family lives of 25 famous Christians.

As a woman, I often wonder about the perspective of the wives of famous Christians. As I mentioned when writing about missions, I wonder about the practical details. I don't see any problem with the wife being behind the scenes, yet I wish that someone would shed a little light on the situation. Just how do you "run a school"? It seems like missionaries' wives were always doing it, yet it seems like quite a daunting task. How do you keep house in the jungle? How do you deal with your husband rarely being home because he is out "furthering the Kingdom"? How do you feed and clothe your family when there is no steady salary to depend on?

And this book answers many of those questions, not with step-by-step instructions, but with inspiring examples.

And now, for the details:

This book features not only clergymen, but musicians, evangelists, missionaries, and others. Since I read the book in Russian, it was a bit laborious at times and I cringed at various aspects of the translation, thinking about how awkward it sounded. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading it.

As you read the stories, you get the feeling that you are reading excerpts from biographies, and not original works. Indeed, each story cites 2-3 sources. It would be worth it to read the more extended biographies. However, having the marriage stories in one volume is equally informative and helpful for the sake of comparison.

The format of each story is a bit of a teaser. It starts out with a preview of the couple's married life: what they accomplished together, what was unique about their union, etc. It begins to tell the story of how they met and fell in love...and THEN goes back to their infancy to begin at the beginning. I suppose it is interesting to hear about their childhood, but after the preview, you want to go forward, not backwards!

I'll admit, I skipped a few stories. Some of them I had read elsewhere, such as C.S. Lewis and Hudson Taylor, and I didn't need to struggle through them again in Russian. There was also a section which seemed to be about UNhappy marriages. The other stories seemed challenging enough without tragic endings, so I chose to skip the depressing ones. I can always return to them another time.

But overall, I was encouraged. Whenever I read a story about Christians who served the Lord passionately, I honestly do not envy their lives. I don't strive to become a martyr, to give birth on a ship with no one but my husband attending, or to visit him in jail every day....if it isn't my calling. But seeing how the Lord sustained these women (and men) as they responded to His call is inspiring. It encourages me that He would do the same for me.

Some of my favorite parts:

-A weary Charles Spurgeon falls asleep before preparing for the sermon, and instead of waking him up, Susannah Spurgeon writes down what he says in his sleep, and it becomes material for the sermon!

-George and Mary Mueller are so busy rushing about ministering in orphan houses that they barely spend time at home together. Yet they often run into each other in the street unexpectedly, as if the Lord is granting them those few minutes together.

-the wives of both John Bunyan and Adoniram Judson remain faithful to their husbands who are in jail; Elisabeth Bunyan appearing before the court to plead before the judge (but refusing to lie and say that her husband will stop preaching); Ann Judson visiting her husband daily and even relocating to a different area with her infant when Adoniram is transferred to a different prison.

-Ruth Bell Graham, when she realizes that the man she is marrying will be absent much of the time due to speaking engagements, takes it upon herself to make the most of the situation. She moves their family back in with her parents, knowing she can live cheerfully there while her husband is gone, and makes an effort to "keep busy" so that she won't fall into depression.


*Petersen, William J. 25 Surprising Marriages Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1997.

Off topic

Now that Valentine’s Day is safely past, I have to get this off my chest.

I have noticed that in romantic films, at the moment when the guy and girl meet for the first time, one of them is: 1) Engaged to someone else, 2) Happily dating and/or dating around, or 3) “Married” to one’s job.

The plot consists of one or both individuals simultaneously dumping their "awful" former pursuits while falling in love with the new person. As if life before that moment was pointless.

Often, this first love is planted there to make the storyline more interesting. I think it is put there to form a “damsel in distress” scenario, so that Mr. Right can swoop in to the rescue. Appealing? In a worldly way, yes.

However, I sometimes feel sorry for that first love who was planted there. Screenwriters make sure to call attention to a few flaws, that are almost not flaws at all. For example, he's too boring and has his life all planned out. Or, she's too needy and wants to be with him all the time. Or, it was the parents' pick and not one's own.

I would almost rather choose the steady, reliable option than the new, exciting one. Or work out conflicts rather than running away with someone I barely knew.

That moment when he/she chooses the "right" one spoils the movie for me. The day (or an hour) before, she was in the arms of someone else, and he doesn’t seem to care one bit since they're SO in love. Is that realistic? I think it would make me a little uncomfortable, in either role.

I am not saying it’s a sin to have dated a few people. I just wonder why the 4th option is never mentioned: single and happy. Is it so impossible to find a single person who has no ties at all, but is simply…waiting?

Married!

Sorry, this post has nothing to do with my marital status. I just wanted to comment on an observation I made recently in the metro.

I was riding home at the end of the day, and a young couple got on. I thought “oh, great, now I’ll be subjected to another sickening public display of affection.” Then I caught a glimpse of the girl’s hand and saw a ring. She’s married! I looked at the guy’s hand. He’s married too! They’re married to each other! It was a pleasant discovery.

In Russia I notice a lot of couples engaged in what I consider inappropriate displays of affection, but I don’t think there’s anything cultural about it; I think rather it is related to the fact that I ride the public transportation a lot. Riding the escalator in the metro an average of 4 times a day, I get an eyeful of that kind of behavior. And I think to myself, “How can he be treating her that way? She doesn’t belong to him; she’s not his wife.” Of course I am making assumptions that the couple is not married, but many of them seem too young. I also think sometimes it is obvious when there is a serious commitment and when there is simply…lust. But I won’t go into detail.

So whenever I catch a glimpse of wedding rings, I take it as a sign of hope. Maybe the vows were said in haste; maybe it won’t last…but they’re one step closer to a serious commitment. There’s a legal commitment. Their children will be born in wedlock. They’ve made a covenant before each other and before others. There’s something to fight for. I find that encouraging.