Friends and Families

I have been looking forward to writing this post, because it regards an inspiring story belonging to friends, and is also very relevant to my own story.

Introduction

When I was a child, our family attended (and sometimes hosted) reunions of a few housechurches that my parents had been involved in, mostly before I was born. When you are a child, you are often missing a lot of information. And I didn't really know why we were gathering, how these people had met, and what their individual stories were.

Several of the families had adopted at least one child. Here, again, I didn't fully understand certain issues: adoption, abortion, orphanages, foster care, fertility/infertility, etc.

I remember noticing different colors of skin, different eye structures, as well as some physical limitations. Do we need to mention these things out loud? Grown-ups don't always talk about them in plain language. Of one boy, I finally asked what was "wrong" with him. It turned out he had Asperger's.

Meanwhile, one particular family consisted of Hector and Sue Badeau and their children, and they lived in another state, but we saw them once a year or so. They had a lot of kids! They all looked pretty different, so they were probably adopted, but where did they all come from? How did they all live together? I think when you see a family that big and don't know them personally, it just seems like a crowd. Like that family on TV, the Duggars. How do they keep them all straight?

Well, Sue and Hector answer that question in their book that came out recently. The full title is: "Are We There Yet? The Ultimate Road Trip: Adopting and Raising 22 Kids!" Sue had shared some of it with me back when I was trying to help match some Russian kids up with local families here. But the book gives even more backstory, including from the housechurch days that involved my parents and some other friends from growing up.

I was fascinated to read the stories of each individual child, including all the family dynamics.

Here are a few thoughts that stood out to me. I hope the authors will forgive me for not using page number for now as I'm using Cloud Reader!

1) Adoption always starts with a tragedy. This is what I was thinking about when I read the part where another adoptive mom tells Sue, "Never forget, Sue, your joy as a mom to Jose is built on the ashes of another mother's grief." I remember going to a Russian summer camp with a missions team, and the director telling us, "The orphanage groups have several new kids. If they're new to the orphanage, that means they have some fresh trauma." It's something that is a part of someone's past that we can forget because we're so eager to help them start new lives.

2) God's calling. While praying about adoption decisions, Sue and Hector felt led to focus on children who were "most in need of a home and least likely to get one." I find in my own life that the paradox of God's will is that it feels extraordinary and natural at the same time. I think it's incredible that I ended up in Russia, but at the same time it feels just right. When I think of the 20+ children that Sue and Hector have raised, it is difficult to even fathom, and yet when I read their story, I realize that they are just "ordinary" people who wanted to obey God. Am I His vessel too, ready to be used?

3) Siblings! One of the more specific areas of advocacy that touched me was Sue and Hector's insistence on keeping siblings together. I forget exactly how many sibling groups they adopted, but it often took special efforts. I will never forget the story of Adam, a terminally ill child, and his brother Aaron, who was initially kept in a different family. Apparently, Adam was deemed "too disabled" to even know he had a brother.

"Adam almost never smiles. He’s not generally a pleasant child. He doesn’t snuggle or even like to be hugged. He frequently flinches when someone approaches him to wash him up, change him, feed him, or even give him a hug. His body is often stiff, and his movements are sharp and flailing. He makes some sounds, but unlike Wayne and Dylan, who delight us with their peals of laughter and funny noises, Adam’s verbal utterances tend to be cries or moans more often than contented sounds..."

And then, the reunion of the brothers...

"As soon as the bus attendant lowers the lift and Adam’s wheelchair hits the pavement, Aaron runs up to him and gives him a big hug. “Tubby!” Aaron says gleefully. And then the most wonderful thing happens—Adam’s face lights up into the biggest smile we’ve ever seen."

This sibling issue is something I would love to see fought for in Russia, too. Siblings are often split up among orphanages here. I know part of it has to do with them needing to attend certain schools, but it's sad that they can't have unlimited access to their only family members. I even have mixed feelings about this when the siblings are in the same orphanage, yet on different floors, for example. 

I still haven't quite figured out how this whole advocacy thing works in Russia. I feel like American society is more rewarding towards people who are gung-ho enough about their cause to break down every door until they see results. Resilience is a necessary trait in Russia, too. But there is a different set of etiquette, a different social hierarchy, and a different way to challenge unsatisfactory decisions. Most of it is still over my head. 

So for now I have to trust the Holy Spirit, our Advocate on high.

On this Day in (the) History of David

Lots of changes these days. David has gone "mobile"...on his stomach for now, but able to move around to all parts of a room and even open/close drawers that are in his reach. He also seems to be experiencing a combination of teething and separation anxiety, which calls for some extra cuddling.

The only "acceptable" nap set-up

Some special characteristics of this time period:

1) Naptime: only in someone's arms??? Yep, just when I thought we had avoided any potentially hard-to-break habits, David is suddenly very particular about where he sleeps. The moment he is lowered to the mattress, he is wide awake. In the evening he eventually gets tired enough to stay asleep, but during the day it's often 30 minutes or less. I've had to rethink the way I do things. Instead of trying to do everything during naptime, I take those little 5-10 minute spurts when he's fed/cheerful, and wash a dish or two. I don't dare take a shower during naptime lest he wake up in my absence...so I bring him into the bathroom with me in the carseat (which he's wiggling out of).

2) Parallel labor: David now has his own container station where he can "work" while I'm trying to do something in the kitchen. I also sometimes just plop myself down on the floor and peel potatoes or whatever down at his level, so he can watch for a few minutes...and then I have to escape before he starts grabbing! David also works hard at knocking things down. As soon as the tower is up, he's scooting across the room to fell it with one swipe of the fist.

3) Learning "no": Babies and power cords....need I say more?

4) Things that I hear myself saying: (and then make myself laugh as I realize I'm saying them to a wiggly 7-month old...but we have to keep up with the English exposure, after all)

-"That's Mommy's face. We don't eat Mommy's face."

-"How about going back to your toys?"

-"Can you play quietly for a minute?"

-"Can you stay on your back, please?"

-"Are you supposed to be over there?"

Determination

Have you ever just assumed you weren't eligible for something, crossed it off your list? I know that I do it. I'm too young, weak, busy, clumsy, single, etc...

I was helping with a program to aid local Christian families in becoming foster parents. I didn't have professional training and my Russian wasn't great for dealing with bureaucrats, but I could offer some encouragement and help with spreading the word.

A single woman at a local church was interested in finding out more and going through our training program. I took a packet of information, and prepared to meet with her.

When we met up at her workplace, I was surprised to see that she was about my age...just a working single girl, trying to make ends meet like everybody else.
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I had met so many people who "wanted" to help but were struggling financially; living in cramped quarters; unsure of themselves...or, who simply weren't winning favor with officials, for whatever reason.

At the same time, the orphans had their own disadvantages that created obstacles: connections to relatives who didn't want them to be adopted; behavior problems; emotional scarring...

You start to limit the possibilities...but here was someone who wanted to give it a try. And little by little, she got to know a group of siblings from the orphanage...took them out on weekends; to her house for visits; had many occasions for bonding. All very quiet and unassuming, until you look and see that all these little steps have added up to something incredible.

I do think that there is a feeling of "that's not my thing" that comes from the Lord. We can recognize where we are not gifted; where it does not seem God is leading. But other obstacles are just temporary; difficult to move by human strength, but having potential in the supernatural.

Children and persecution

There is a boy at the orphanage who believes in God.

Danya has been living in this orphanage with his siblings at least since I started visiting it over 4 years ago. As part of our New Family program, a Christian woman has been spending time with the siblings, even taking them to church with her.

Danya has been hosted by a Christian family in the U.S. a few times, where he also heard about Jesus.

He has also been raised in an Orthodox orphanage and told about God for much of his life. Other children have had the same exposure, but Danya is different. He has had an encounter with God, and talks about his faith. He has been inviting his groupmates to read the Bible together, on their own.

I was shocked at how warmly I was welcomed while visiting the orphanage this week. The two counselors who were at the door when I arrived had been absent last week, when I also visited. They both exclaimed when they saw me and said, "Come here and let me give you a kiss!" One of them at least is rather reserved, so this was a surprise.

Once in the group, the counselors announced, "Children, look who has arrived to see you! Aren't you glad? Now how do we greet guests?" (The kids had seen me last week and were bewildered. Who could possibly be there to see them? Oh, it's just her.)

After we had worked on English for a few hours, one of the counselors invited me to eat dinner with them. They don't usually feed me, but one of the counselors was absent, and there was an extra meal, which I ate gladly. Then Danya sat down next to me at the dinner table.

"Why you so love Russia?" he asked me in English. I leaned in close and whispered that it was God who sent me here. His face lit up.

When I was Danya's age (about 11), I remember being concerned about the salvation of my friends. What I mean to say is that a child's faith is real. He feels the presence of God and he feels the ache of knowing that not everyone shares this. It's more than a playground discussion about which holidays your family celebrates. Children recognize that if they are Christians, they are called to live differently.

Orphanage counselors are supportive when a child is baptized in the Orthodox church or shows devotion of that confession. But the adults are not so happy when a child becomes "tainted" by visiting a sect, and Protestant congregation are regarded as such. Though I cannot often talk to the children about God, opportunities do arise. But the Orthodox orphanage is their reality. And if I tell them something that is outside the boundaries of the Orthodox church, I introduce conflict into their lives. Is it worth it?

New Family history, part 4- Research

Part four-2006/2007. Research.

This is part of a continuing series about one of our projects working with orphans.

Now that we had some basic plans, we spent time gathering information about different formats for ministry. We searched for other Christian programs with similar goals. We didn’t find many locally who had an approach that was similar to ours.

In late 2006, we traveled to Vladimir, Russia for a conference. There we met other Christians serving orphans in Russia and Easter Europe, who are involved with foster care programs or transitional work for graduates. It was very helpful to learn about different programs that are already active. We heard from several sources that foster and adoptive families are very isolated in society, and that this is one of the biggest obstacles to more orphans being placed in local families.

I would like to clarify a little bit about terminology. To Americans, the word “adoption” is related to permanence, whereas “foster care” implies instability. American children removed from their parents are usually placed in a family while waiting for the next decision to be made. In Russia, kids go to the orphanage when there is trouble in the family or custody issues. Sometimes this is temporary, sometimes long-term. The orphanage group is akin to a foster family. Children get transferred between different orphanages and between different groups.

In the U.S., foster care can hold negative associations because the foster child is lacking the emotional and legal stability that comes from taking the final step in being adopted. There are also cases of abuse linked to the foster care system. But part of the reason adoption can be delayed is that there is a goal to reconcile family members when possible. Therefore there’s no rush to find an adoptive family.

In Russia, however, "adoption" is the word that has a negative reputation. This is because adoption means the end of government support. Adoptive families receive less subsidies than foster families, and no longer receive visits from social workers. They are on their own. In the U.S. we don’t like to have people checking up on us and interfering with our family life. We want to free the child from the institution and anything connected with it. But in Russia there are not a lot of social support programs in place for adoptive families, so the state is the only source of support, and to lose that is to become isolated.

Because of the bureaucracy and negative feelings associated with “adoption” as a legal process, we have been exploring other options. Helping a child find permanency has always been and will continue to be our goal. But we realize that permanency and adoption can be established in ways other than the American nuclear family. Some potential families and children are simply not able to pursue adoption. Maybe the family doesn’t have room for another bed, or the child has a birth relative who won’t relinquish rights. Does this mean we should stop there?

In the orphanage, a child may be better off in some ways than with his birth family in its damaged state. He will be well-fed and clothed; he will receive plenty of attention and help with schoolwork; he will be taught creative arts. But upon graduation, that all disappears and he is plunged into isolation. How can we ensure that he will have a home to go to when he is in need? An “anchor family” is one solution. Can an anchor family provide permanence? It depends partly on the level of commitment of the participants. If we had a commitment ceremony or something similar, it would be one way for the child to feel secure, even if on paper the arrangement is a foster family and not adoption. Then the family would continue to receive government support, but both the family and the child would agree to the terms of the relationship and would know what to expect from each other.

New Family history, part 2- Direction

Part Two: 2006. Direction.

As we met and prayed, God gave us insight, sometimes in the form of a single word. We talked about Exodus, about a complete departure from the institution. We talked about children coming to know their Heavenly Father. We talked about needing to have a firm foundation for whatever ministry resulted. We began to write the vision on paper, and these were the goals which resulted:

-To provide permanence in the lives of orphaned children
-To facilitate opportunities for orphaned children to experience healthy family life
-To provide support for families who host orphans
-To foster long-term caring relationships between orphans, families and the community

One note I'll add is that we were specifically looking for ways to help Russian families. We do support American adoptive families through other programs, but in this project we were looking to form a ministry for local churches and families.

New Family history, part 1 -The Problem

A reader recently left some comments about the concept behind the potential foster mother whom I featured recently. I don't remember how much I've mentioned New Family on here before, but I thought it was time to do a recap and explain a little bit of the history of the project. I know some aspects of the Russian orphanage system can be confusing.

So I'll try to tell the story from the beginning. Other people who have joined the project at various stages might have a different point of view, but this is mine.

Part One: February, 2006 (I think. Hopefully someone will correct me if I'm wrong).

A problem is raised: There are transitional programs for orphanage graduates, and many younger kids get adopted by foreigners or nationals, but what about the school-aged kids? Many of them are still very impressionable, and if taken out of the orphanage situation, could have a chance to thrive and avoid some of the consequences that orphanage graduates face. But how could we help that come about? Some individuals with a heart for orphans began to meet and pray about possible forms of ministry for school-aged orphans.

End of Vladimir

Somehow it has taken me over a week to recount my trip to Vladimir. On the third day of our seminar, we visited another orphanage that has made the transition to patronat families. The orphanage staff and psychologists explained how they find host families and build relationships with them. They have a binder for each family and for each child in need of a family. They also have photo albums of the families that already host children. We were invited to drop in on one of the families briefly.

On our last day, we took a trip to the beautiful destination of Suzdal, which featured a multitude of old Medieval churches nestled in the countryside.

This stained glass is not part of a church, but is displayed in the train/bus station in Vladimir!

One of the sights of Suzdal...

With Marina in the countryside.

Now I'm finally caught up. In future posts, I'll be going back to "normal" life, as well as exploring our findings from our trip.

Vladimir #3

On day two in Vladimir, we continued our seminar with a tour of the organization's main building, where they have both offices and a drop-in center for orphanage graduates.


Orphanage graduates can come here to receive free services like teeth cleaning and help with paperwork, or just to socialize. The center sponsors fun projects such as crafts and field trips. It would be great to have something like this in St.Petersburg, although we obviously can't do everything all at once.

We also visited one of the sponsored family centers out in the suburbs. They live in one side of a duplex and have a big fruit/vegetable garden out back. Their home seemed really pleasant and natural, in spite of regular monitoring by a psychologist. We liked the garden. :)

At the end of the day, we finally had time to get a bite to eat, and treated our driver and guide (and ourselves) to a nice meal.

In the photo below, we look a little disgruntled because the photo session is interrupting our delicious first course. All the food in front of me is not just mine; we were sharing. :)

That's all for now...

Vladimir #2- Lakinsk

On the first day of our training seminar in Vladimir, we visited the grounds of a former orphanage in the town of Lakinsk. The children have all been moved into either family centers or individual families.







The buildings of the orphanage have been converted into family centers or administrative offices.

The kids were leaving for the summer, but the house parents took time to speak with us.

The orphanage workshops are still open and available for kids who want to come and develop their creative skills.




I had already visited Lakinsk in the fall, but this time they treated us more like ministry partners and gave us the inside tour. We met the orphanage director and other administrators. We had a discussion with one of the psychologists on staff, who explained how they screen foster parents and prepare them and children for the children joining the family. She gave us many documents that they have and a training manual.

We also met with a social worker who takes care of the legal issues. She was able to advise us on getting permission to place children in families and on some of the terminology that is applied to this kind of work. She also mentioned the possibility of trying to locate the child's relatives first to see if they would be capable of fostering the child, before going outside of the family. They were all quite positive about our endeavors, especially as we're so "young and inexperienced." :) But we kept saying, "We are here to learn," thus inviting them to share their knowledge with us.

It was a long day, but we accomplished a lot.

Off to Vladimir

I'm off to Vladimir for a week. Marina, Anna and I are traveling there to visit a Christian organization that has a lot of experience in helping orphans to break free from the cycle of institutionalization. We hope that they will be able to give us some advice in implementing these sorts of programs in St.Petersburg.

What Vladimir looked like the last time I was there, in November:

I'll be back next Friday.