Thursday, January 5, 2017


A lot of people were commenting on how awful 2016 was. And I can definitely think of people near me who have lost loved ones very recently. Even as I type this, the names and faces float across my mind, and I lift them up to the Lord. A child...a orphanage director...a father. Sometimes it is just something that happens to other people, and sometimes it is closer to home.

He isn't doing it as much now, but David had a period this fall where he was asking me about death a lot.

"Mommy, I don't want to die, EVER." And I just say "I know." Because I don't want to trivialize the grim reality of death by saying something too chipper, and neither do I want to admit that it scares me, too.

But one day we had a talk about new bodies, and he kind of latched on to that idea. And by the next evening he had a new prayer request: that we would die soon, to see Jesus, to get new bodies, so that he could run fast and Nina could pick him up and play rough with him, etc. I felt like his uncomplicated understanding of it made it easier for him to change direction with his thinking.

I don't know if I'm too young for a mid-life crisis or not, but sometimes it feels like I'm at some kind of point of no return (over the hill?), where that old injury or whatever isn't something that's just going to go's here for good. Those hobbies might never fit into my lifestyle again.  This old brain might not bounce back (though it's still early postpartum). And sooner or later we do have to look to the future and think about eventually having new bodies. I wish I could have the pure excitement of my son as he imagines unlimited physical activity!

Will there be gravity in heaven?


  1. Oh, dear. I can still remember my first inkling of death - and I think I was 5 or so. It was the most terrifying thing ever. I do not think my mother understood what I was asking - or, she didn't think of giving me any religious idea. It simply meant separating from everyone and that was AWFUL. I still suffer from fear of change and death. I can't fathom anyone not, but people I know say it isn't a fear of theirs.

  2. My mom used to say "The worst that can happen is we'll die, and if we die we'll get to go to heaven to be with Jesus." I think people who aren't scared just don't think about it.

    1. I read a book many years ago called "Denial of Death". The main thing I remember about it is how he convincingly connects all sinful behavior and even most mental illness to fear (or denial) of death. I just looked it up on Amazon and saw that it got a Pulitzer prize, but it doesn't appear to come from any religious perspective.... Anyway - I think the dark winter nights of northern Russia are getting to you this year. I appreciate you being so honest.

    2. Sounds like an interesting book. It's always interesting to really look at the root of what is bothering us. Sometimes it is something silly, like dreading a stressful event coming up. Post-partum in the winter is never fun, but I think it's just being a mother in general that has me thinking about the future. I remember it hitting me all of a sudden when David was born.

  3. Please is st. Petersburg or Moscow can be liken to any city in Canada?
    I want to do a post graduate program there.


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