Too Many Eulogies

I want to clarify about the title of this post. From a human perspective, everything feels "too hard." People we love often lose their lives "too early." There is "too much" tragedy around us...doesn't it seem like more than our fair ration?

Although God is compassionate and allows us to grieve, I also think of Psalm 139, verse 16: "...all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (NIV)

He knows exactly what we are going through, and He has perfect, albeit mysterious, reasons, for allowing our loved ones to suffer and even die. So even though I grieve, I still affirm the perfect sovereignty of God's will.

The Accident


A lot of you know what happened to the orphanage recently, but I will do a quick recap.

The orphanage that I visited for something like 8 years in a row had sent a group to another city for an excursion, during school vacation week.

On the way back, the bus was in a head-on collision with a tractor-trailer. I got the news that 6 people had been killed, but I didn’t know which ones. It felt like one of those school shootings where you don’t know at first who survived and who didn’t. And you don’t have any contact.

I got online, gathering information really quickly. A few of the orphans/staff already had posted about grieving. Everyone was in shock. I found a few news reports, including one with a list of all those injured/dead. But which were which? The next thing I found out was that all those who had been killed were adults: of the orphanage group, 2 drivers and 2 other chaperones. It wasn’t until a few days later that I saw some photos and matched the names with the faces. I recognized them all.

And the children, the precious children…relief that they are alive, but sadness that they experienced this. People have posted some GRUESOME photos of the wreckage, and I just cannot imagine the horrific scenes that the children witnessed. And what gut-wrenching fear was felt by the other members of the orphanage family, who were not with them at the time?

The counselor I am friends with was not on the bus. I spoke to her by phone and she was headed to the hospital to see the injured. I could hear the grief in her voice. Reach out to her, Lord.

A few weeks have now gone by and most of the injured are back in the orphanage, but the road to recovery, emotionally at least, may be long.

And now, a few words about one of the deceased, an orphanage counselor in her 50’s.

I walked to the bus stop with her once. (I know I shared this with someone, but I can't remember if it was on my blog or not.)

I felt embraced by many people at the orphanage and largely ignored by others. But whenever I had the opportunity to actually talk to someone, it turned out that they were just misinformed about who I was and what I was doing there.

As we walked along, not ever having chatted before, Maria said to me, "Many volunteers come and go. But you...you KEEP coming." We talked a little bit and she just couldn't understand what would sustain me in this country, and I can't remember if I shared my faith. I hope I did. 

Anyway, after that, she would always smile at me, so genuinely. She was always busy helping the kids and I was, too. But there was that warmth. I wish I could have told her that SHE was a part of the reason that I could go on living here, that God sends people like her to encourage me with a life-giving smile.

In this post I admired some art done by the kids at the orphanage. It turns out that Maria was the one behind the paper sculptures. I learned after the accident that she had been the in-house origami specialist, as well as math tutor. 

What a treasure! Clearly, she will be missed.

Meet and Greet

Well, I got nominated for a blog award in which I am supposed to share some details about myself. I am also supposed to pass it on to someone else. I checked back to a post I wrote about the blogs I follow, and I think about 90% of them are now defunct, though there are still a few of you hanging in there!

Anyway, I do want to give a shout out to a new blog, authored by my sister, where she writes about "balancing family life and art." Lots of ideas for parenting toddlers. Check it out: Seeking to Create.


So, here are the questions from the blog award, with my answers.

11 "random" facts that you may or may not know about me

1) I'm an introvert! Let this serve as a warning that I'm horrible at introducing myself.

2) In third grade, I was nominated “future novelist.” I lied and said I knew what the word meant, and then finally I had to ask the teacher. I haven't written any novels, but in those days I suppose they couldn't have predicted that I'd become a blogger!

3) I’m third oldest of seven children.

4) 2 of my sisters were adopted from Russia

5) One brother lives in Africa (currently Lesotho) and I traveled to Kinshasa, DRC for his wedding. So you can imagine that family reunions are difficult to pull off!

6) I had a crush on my husband for 6 years before he asked me out.

7) I’ve played the flute since I was 10.

8) I started visiting Russia when I was 14, that’s over half my life!

9) I grew up in Northampton, Massachusetts

10) I’ve never had a driver’s license

11) I have a BA in Russian Studies and a minor in Studio Art.

And here are the new questions that Stephanie chose for me:

1. When did you start blogging, and why? I started in 2007. I wanted to record some snippets of daily life to keep family/friends informed.  It’s hard to continually explain to different people what life is like in another country. A lot of details of life are the same, and then there are differences. Regularly posting some observations on daily life feels more natural and is accompanied by less pressure than composing a fancy newsletter.

2. Describe yourself in one sentence. Can I use semi-colons? ;) If people could know one thing about me, I would want them to know that I’m a follower of Jesus.

3. If money was no concern, what would your dream vacation be? I don’t have specific dreams, but lately I have been thinking about London.

4. What's your ideal way of spending a Saturday? Mostly nesting, but maybe taking a short walk to get some fresh air if the weather is nice.

5. What's your go-to lunch? Homemade soup and an open-faced sandwich, then tea.

6. Fiction or non-fiction? What do I actually read or what do I think I should read? In general I like biographical/historical topics. I look for interesting biographies, especially if tied to a specific historical period, but sometimes I end up reading fluffy historical fiction.

7. You have a pet lizard. What's his name? Bo-bo. First thing that came to my mind. But in truth, Lizard is what people call ME.

8. When did you become a Christian? I was a conscious believer by age 5 or so and experienced genuine repentance.

9. What are you afraid of? I thought it would be silly to write that I’m afraid of the dark, but then I noticed that the person that nominated me admitted to it, so I will join her. :) Abandonment, being trapped, etc. Oh, and spiders.

10. Funny memory. Broad topic! Well, I probably have many from when I first moved to Russia and was making faux pas (what’s the plural?) all the time. For example, I got on a bus and bumped into Andrei, whom I had met twice before, and it turned out we were getting off at the same stop (and our buildings were even next to each other). The bus stopped and Andrei got off and I thought it was rude that he didn’t wait for me. Come to find out he had gone ahead to help me off! Oh, those Russian men! I didn’t even know what to do with his proffered hand.

11. What's your favorite season, and why? Spring! New life, expectation of changes, long-awaited rewards, daylight, fresh air, picnics, and my birthday, at the tail-end.

Lessons, Part 7

On becoming an instant expert...


Welcome to the club!

One of the most interesting (and positive, I suppose) things about starting a family is how excited OTHER people are for you.

It started before Andrei and I were even dating; friends (and family) being just desperate for me to get married. Not in a mean way like I was living a pathetic life. Just that they wanted to see me happy, in this particular area.

When we announced our engagement, I suppose single friends were just as happy for us as the marrieds. But what was interesting was that friends, already married, whom I hadn’t talked to in DECADES were suddenly “happy” for this new development in my life. Why do they finally come out of the woodwork when I’m getting married, and not getting a new job, or whatever? I think someone even said "now you're one of us!"

Well, I DO like being married. And now I do the same thing, drooling over other people’s engagement announcements and wedding photos. Not just when my friends get married, but when their siblings and cousins do the same!

BUT…even more compelling is what happens when you become a parent. Not only are you suddenly excited for everyone else having kids, but you are now an EXPERT, and you MUST SPREAD INFORMATION about anything and everything parenthood-related you have experienced. (Hence this blog series.) The urge is STRONG!

As soon as you find out you’re having/adopting a child, you start documenting the journey, and that becomes fodder for educating others later. Then of course, three seconds after you've become a parent, you’re ready to turn around and tell that friend in her 9th month just what to expect.

I often laugh at myself dishing out the advice. “Oh, I remember four months…”  “Oh, that happened to us, too.” “What worked for us was….” I can already think of a few families with babies younger than ours with whom we've discussed issues like feeding and rocking.

I also find it funny now that as soon as I see someone post an ultrasound picture or birth announcement or whatever, I find myself emitting squeals of joy. Having children must not be too bad if we are all ecstatic for our friends to join the club.

We suddenly have all the stroller models memorized and can explain the ergonomic qualities/flaws of all the leading baby carriers. But there are also the challenges of parenthood, some more publicized than others, that we gain immediate experience in. And it isn't as easy to share about some of those intimate details, whether it be health issues, changes in relationship roles, or emotions that are just blah. Nevertheless, under the right circumstances, parents love to dish out advice, whether they have 5 days or 50 years of experience under their belts.

I think it's safe to say you join the club for life! If you have any questions, feel free to ask! Hee hee. :)

To flee or not

I am still working on (reading) the Bonhoeffer biography. Lots of thoughts to slowly digest.

Right now I am at the part of his life where he is torn over whether or not he needs to be in Germany. Of course, as readers, we know how his life ends up.

Bonhoeffer did a lot of traveling, and could have escaped from Germany as the conflict was heating up. But when he did travel,-to America, for instance-he felt restless being away from Germany.

Journal entry from 13th June, 1939—The country house in Lakeville, Connecticut, is in the hills; fresh and luxuriant vegetation. In the evening thousands of fire-flies in the garden, like flying fire. I had never seen them before. Quite a fantastic sight. Very friendly and “informal” reception. All that’s missing is Germany, the brethren. The first lonely hours are hard. I do not understand why I am here, whether it was a sensible thing to do, whether the results will be worthwhile. In the evening, last of all, the readings and thoughts about work at home.

Another entry from the same time period: It is almost unbearable. . . . Today God’s Word says, “I am coming soon” (Rev. 3.11). There is no time to lose, and here I am wasting days, perhaps weeks. In any case, it seems like that at the moment. Then I say to myself again, “It is cowardice and weakness to run away here now.” Will I ever be able to do any really significant work here? Disquieting political news from Japan. If it becomes unsettled now I am definitely going back to Germany. I cannot stay outside [Germany] by myself. That is quite clear. My whole life is still over there.

Later, we learn that Bonhoeffer did in fact cut short his trip in favor of returning to Germany. Was it mere homesickness or a greater sense of obligation? Perhaps some of both.

Even in a time of peace, I think we often feel a sense of urgency and restlessness when we have to be away from what we believe is our place of ministry. It reminds me of times when I've been delayed from entering Russia. 

And it also resembles our situation a little bit, with people asking if we want to seek a better life elsewhere. In Russia, we're a religious minority. And the country has seen better times. For some these reasons are motivation to leave, and for others it just creates more opportunities to trust in the Lord.

*Quotes were included in the Eric Metaxas biography. I need to go back and get the page numbers...