A tender heart

Andrei and I were having an intense discussion. I was crying. I think it was the second day of it, and when you live in an apartment, nothing gets past the kids (or neighbors-not that there was anything to be concerned about).

David was desperate to cheer everyone up. He ran up, forced himself between us, and shoved a book about the Nativity in our faces. He turned the pages, pointing to each picture depicting the birth of Jesus.

He thought that the birth of Christ would be the thing to put a smile on everyone's faces. Wasn't the Nativity enough to make everyone's problems melt away? It should be the correct answer, right? We did kind of turn the corner after that and had everything cleared up with a little more discussion.

Before bedtime, I went into David's room to assess the situation since the kids had been playing in there. There were a bunch of books on the bed and I wondered why the kids had gotten into the books. It wasn't something David would normally do without asking to read with one of us.

Later, I was lying awake myself and made the connection. David had moved some books to get to the box of Christmas books that hadn't gone back into storage yet. He had uncovered the box, opened it up, and sought out that specific book. He wanted so much to make me happy that he went on a hunt for the best he could find.

David has interesting insight about God. We put the audio Bible on or watch Bible cartoons sometimes, but don't really have a daily routine. He considers himself an expert by now, so it's hard to go back to anything we've read already. I'm looking forward to him being a reader and discovering the Bible on his own. I started trying to do the New City Catechism with him, but he almost always answers in his own words instead of repeating back the answers in the Catechism. I'm not really sure what to do with that! For example, 1) What is our only hope in life and death? The kids' answer reads "That we are not our own but belong to God." David usually says, "That we're God's when we're alive and God's when we're dead." Kind of the same thing, right? I just find it interesting that he goes to the trouble to change the words around. And he does it with the other questions, too. I think that will be a good skill as he starts school. But there are probably times when exact wording is important too, right? Especially with Scripture? But there are so many different translations of the Bible, so that's confusing. I dread that day he learns about THAT.

Part of the reason I was upset the other day was that I had just spent some time thinking about a homeschool schedule (see previous post), but David had spent an hour screaming hysterically over getting dressed. And then Sophia had a meltdown when I was cooking lunch! How would we ever add MORE tasks to our schedule if we can't handle clothing and meals?

So there's always a mix of exasperating and sweet moments.

Unlimited

A lot of people were commenting on how awful 2016 was. And I can definitely think of people near me who have lost loved ones very recently. Even as I type this, the names and faces float across my mind, and I lift them up to the Lord. A child...a mother....an orphanage director...a father. Sometimes it is just something that happens to other people, and sometimes it is closer to home.

He isn't doing it as much now, but David had a period this fall where he was asking me about death a lot.

"Mommy, I don't want to die, EVER." And I just say "I know." Because I don't want to trivialize the grim reality of death by saying something too chipper, and neither do I want to admit that it scares me, too.

But one day we had a talk about new bodies, and he kind of latched on to that idea. And by the next evening he had a new prayer request: that we would die soon, to see Jesus, to get new bodies, so that he could run fast and Nina could pick him up and play rough with him, etc. I felt like his uncomplicated understanding of it made it easier for him to change direction with his thinking.

I don't know if I'm too young for a mid-life crisis or not, but sometimes it feels like I'm at some kind of point of no return (over the hill?), where that old injury or whatever isn't something that's just going to go away....it's here for good. Those hobbies might never fit into my lifestyle again.  This old brain might not bounce back (though it's still early postpartum). And sooner or later we do have to look to the future and think about eventually having new bodies. I wish I could have the pure excitement of my son as he imagines unlimited physical activity!

Will there be gravity in heaven?

Keeping on

Haven't really felt like writing, but I promised myself I would be transparent and keep sharing my thoughts.

I've probably mentioned it before, but God ministers to me through music. I wish I knew Scripture as well as I know song lyrics, but there's room for both! And I try to challenge myself to match up the songs with corresponding Bible passages.

Recently when I've been trying to quiet my soul, I keep recalling the words "...'Cause life is hard. And it might not get easier."* That's from a song I learned at summer camp back in middle school. Not too positive, right? But the line before that is, "..and we all need Jesus." So, in that case, the words ring true. In John ch.16:33 Jesus tells his disciples, "In this world you will have trouble." I don't see that as a scary thing. I just see it as assurance that going through hardship is normal and doesn't mean that we are being neglected by God or specifically targeted. Of course I am writing this while still trying to convince myself that my troubles aren't any worse than anyone else's.

And then of course there is the obvious: "I cry out. For your hand of mercy to heal me."** Not my favorite song musically, but a good song of appeal, reminiscent of a Psalm.

There are also a few that we sing in Russian that are comforting to me. For some reason I like "With all I am" (Hillsong) better in Russian, but I'll include some of the English words here:

Jesus I believe in you

Jesus I belong to you

You're the reason that I live

The reason that I sing

With all I am

I'll walk with you

Wherever you go

Through tears and joy

I'll trust in you

And I will live

In all of your ways and

Your promises forever

And that one I guess is about Jesus as a precious friend and the center of life. For me I think it's about how He sustains me. I want to cling to Him and all of the promises that He represents.

P.S. Found this site, kind of neat: http://wordtoworship.com/

*"We Believe in God" (Amy Grant)
** "Good to Me" (Vineyard)

5 years (before and after)

Andrei and I had our 5th wedding anniversary this summer. Sophia was already 5 days late at that point, so we went on a (last?) date.

I also came to the realization that we've been together 6 years (more about that sometime), while I've lived in Russia for 12 years...

...6 years with Andrei and 6 "without" (though he was a good friend).

...6 years as a single missionary, 1 courting, and 5 years as the wife of a preaching elder.

...7 years in children's ministry, and 5 with my own little cherub.


My perception is that the first 6 years went by much more slowly, and the second 6 sped by. Life was busy and hectic as a single missionary in a big city, but days could also drag by as I wondered what would happen next...and most of all, whether I would get married. I had all the time in the world, but waited eagerly. I couldn't believe it took a whole 6 years to start dating, and now suddenly another 6 have passed????

They say time seems to go faster if you have kids, which makes sense considering all the milestones to keep track of. No year is the same, and you can never go backwards. In David's first year or two, we used to celebrate each new month of his life! And in just a few months, Sophia will be a completely different person.

When I feel sad about time passing quickly, I remind myself that we've ONLY been married 5 years and have only just scratched the surface of all life has to offer.

I was rereading "Letters to Karen" which I read while we were engaged. I think it is one of my favorite books on marriage because it has biblical values without being preachy. It's just personal anecdotes with advice from a father to his daughter, in letter format (hence the title).

I like this quote about continuing to get to know someone as you journey through life together:

"The beauty of a partial knowledge is what makes life with your loved ones so fascinating. It could exhaust you if you let it. But it can also keep your heart singing with the thrill of just being alive." (Shedd, p. 17 Kindle Edition)

It's a good reminder to go back to focusing on others in the way that courting couples focus on each other. "How can I make this person happy?" vs. "How can I make him/her understand me?" And of course, fuller knowledge of the Savior as a goal rather than being satisfied with what we already know. If you think you know someone, think again...or better yet, ask some questions.

Goodbye to a beloved author

In searching for words to eulogize Elisabeth Elliot, all I want to do is quote her many, many words of wisdom! And of course, the scripture passages that she based her life on. I mention her here and here.

But what to pick? Maybe I will, instead, recall a few episodes from my life in which she played a role.

1) 10 years of "Passion and Purity": I was introduced to this book in college. By then my beliefs and values were pretty much formed, but were beginning to be challenged, so it was comforting to find affirmation among the pages of Passion and Purity. I had some attempts to "convert" friends to this way of thinking, including in Russia later on (see below). After I met Andrei, I had 6 years to wait, but of course I didn't know that at the beginning or even the middle! Even though the situation was a little different, I reached for my copy again and again. And after hearing Andrei's side and reading about Jim Elliot, I still find similarities that I can relate to about that particular period.

2) In Congo: This is more about Elisabeth Elliot's daughter Valerie. Back in my "Africa" entries on this blog, I mention my brother's wedding, which was officiated by Valerie's husband, Walt Shepherd. The whole trip was rather surreal (especially living in Russia at the time), and to gaze upon Val and picture her as the little blond barefooted child in The Savage My Kinsman was also incredible. They were actually just finishing their time in Congo, so with the wedding and everything else, you could feel the winds of change as various people present were in different life transitions. Thoughts and prayers go to Valerie and her family during this time.

3) In Russia: When I moved to Russia, it turned out my good friends had been quite moved by Elisabeth Elliot's writing, and were translating Passion and Purity into the Russian language. I was given a copy when it came out. :) And then passed out copies to friends. Meanwhile, the couple stayed in touch with Elisabeth and her husband, Lars. Once I sent along a letter to Elisabeth with my own "passionate" questions. The answer was, shall we say, in her typical fashion. ;) But I was actually surprised to see that it had in fact been penned by Lars. I wasn't quite sure what to think of that, but then later on, I met them in person! Those same friends in St. Petersburg facilitated Lars and Elisabeth coming for a visit. Some other single girls and I (and a married co-worker) were at the ministry office when they came by for tea. I think we were a little starstruck. Elisabeth must have been in the beginning states of dementia, and I remember looking into her eyes once and thinking...these are the eyes that saw all those things she wrote about. A living testimony. Then she was falling asleep, and Lars was chatting with us. He was quite friendly!

4) Everyday inspiration: The two blog posts I mentioned above are one example, but whenever I pick up one of Elisabeth Elliot's books and just thumb through it for a few minutes, rereading quickly, I am immediately given so much to mull over! I only have 3-4 books of hers, but there is much meaning behind those simple, straightforward words. Certain enough to challenge my thinking for the whole day.


If you have a memory or favorite impression to share, please leave a comment and/or link! :)

Going Home

Advent is almost here, but somehow the Second Coming is on my mind more. I'm in this phase where I can't sing or listen to a song about eternity without tears welling up.

This includes Matt Redman's "10,000 Reasons."

And on that day when my strength is failing

The end draws near and my time has come

Still my soul will sing Your praise unending

10,000 years and then forever more

And Brooke Fraser's "Soon and Very Soon."

I will be with the One I love

With unveiled face I'll see Him

There my soul will be satisfied

Soon and very soon

It's not that these particular songs are the best lyrically or grammatically or whatever, but the overarching message is there.

And that's true for a lot of hymns that have a sort of natural progression through the walk of faith up to the day we meet Jesus.

From "How Great Thou Art" (Boberg/Hine):

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,

And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"

And "It is Well with My Soul" (Spafford):

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

Once we get to those final verses, I can't make the words come out anymore, even though I try my best and want to proclaim them in faith. Even that song "I Can Only Imagine" might be a little overly sentimental, but it is the call of my heart at times. Will I be able to say something to Jesus, or will I be struck dumb, just as when I get to those words in the song?

Anyway, not sure why these particular words are speaking to me right now, but there it is.

Survival Mode

We've had to scale back activities for the past few weeks due to the convergence of a few factors, including my head cold, Andrei's heavy teaching/conference schedule, and dreary weather. I guess I sort of alluded to it in the last few posts. Anyway, I did an assessment today and realized that I had let go of a lot of my goals and just a lot of self-discipline went out the window. I think it was okay to have a few "pajama" days, and that was a conscious decision-to not put too much on myself that would lead to exhaustion, during a time when Andrei needed to focus on other things. Taking naps during the day with David. But it is hard to get that momentum back, and I know that I will need to work hard at it as those gray winter days set in.

I've been mostly better for a few days and then I got these blisters on the corners of my mouth! Sorry if it sounds gross, but it's just another sign that my immune system was weakened, I guess. So I've been increasing the vitamins and probiotics again. I was preparing to head to worship practice this week, but when I thought about the mouth sores and needing to open my mouth to sing, or press my flute against the wound...well, that's pretty much a deal-breaker. It will have to wait.

I got into a fiction series this week (first installment free on Kindle and it's a nice length) about mother-daughter homesteaders in present times who live sort of in isolation. It's a Christian series with some good values, but it still manages to romanticize the homesteading life a bit. Who wouldn't want to make their own ice cream and hand-stencil wallpaper? Heh. It addresses the issues of time management, and that got me thinking...how is it that we do so little "manual" labor these days, yet we still never have enough time? Well, obviously a job and its commute will do that to you, but I feel like I never get anything done even being at home. Soap-making, are you kidding me? Where does the time go? And part of what gets me is that everything in modern life is so fragmented. I wish it could all fit together somehow. Why do I resent going outside for a walk? I wish it accomplished something...I wish we had a task to do out there, other than trying to get some exercise in order to sleep well. Why do we have to get exercise on purpose, instead of just naturally doing physical tasks throughout the day? But my big question for the homesteaders would be what they do with their children. Is it just more natural to have children wandering around as you do outside chores? Okay, they're all perfect angels and help out, but you have to teach them, and that takes time, and is more messy in the meantime. Is there such thing as abandoning farm chores because of a teething toddler, or staying in when you have a cold? The thing that sounds nice about homesteading is the "home" part. And I suppose many would agree. I like my modern technology, but I do get tired of the city, and its vices (as bottles shatter outside the window).

Another idea mentioned in the (first) book is that "every day should have its Sabbath"...I don't know if they borrowed it from somewhere or not. Basically, the lack of electricity forces you to slow down in the evening. And I'm sitting here tapping out a blog post at midnight because there is NO other time when I can work in peace. And the household chores still aren't done. But I'm not complaining. I'm just thinking about priorities.

The story of re-entry

I was pondering how I've readjusted to Russia on various occasions, and I realized that having a child definitely makes a difference. I've struggled to understand other ex-pat parents in the past, and now I am getting there myself.

Without kids (or a husband), I would arrive and hit the ground running. Back to the orphanage the next day, or getting called up to teach Sunday school because someone else was sick. Just kidding, that's an exaggeration...of course I had the jet-lag, and it's worse flying east than west! But I got into society...I had to.

Fast-forward to this past Sunday: almost 3 weeks after arriving, I got on the metro the first time, and went to church. When you delay re-entry, you are in a bubble of sorts. Maybe it is easier on your health to take one shock at a time, first getting used to your home-away-from-home before venturing out into your culture-away-from-your-culture. And actually, I was in domestic bliss-checking out the new shelves Vladimir put up in our kitchen; rediscovering cups and plates; setting up David's new toys and books....But there's more to life, isn't there? We are meant to go out and see people! We had colds though, so had to be quarantined a bit.

Those of you who hit the ground running and/or come on a short-term trip with a packed schedule: You get tired! You're immersed! You have to face your fears ASAP, because you can't wait a week to mail that letter or make that phone call. Short-term missions has its critics, but there is a vulnerability there that makes you seek God in every little moment.

Not sure where I'm going with this....marathon vs. sprint, perhaps? We are in a "slow and steady" phase of life, with occasional bursts of panic frenzy more intense activity...like this week, while Andrei has been teaching at two different universities and preparing for 2 upcoming conferences. But we're really thankful for where God has brought us so far and for whatever the future holds!

Another thought from today: Took D. to an athletic field to run around (please oh please go to bed earlier tonight) and we came across an middle-aged man (after an injury?) doing PT with a trainer. It looked like he was learning to WALK again. I hope this doesn't sound totally inappropriate, but I wanted to watch! Isn't it amazing to witness a healing process? Not to gawk, but to see how far a person comes. I peeked a little bit and noticed how hard they were working to take steps...we went to the store and came out and they were still training! I wonder what he went home and told his family...was it a triumphant day, or a setback? Sometimes it may feel like we are limping along, but aren't we advancing all along, thanks to the Great Physician?

Wisdom

At our small group these days we've been studying Psalms, and then Proverbs. The past two weeks have been all about Wisdom.

It was interesting how many references I picked up on in daily life during Week 1!

The first one was an episode of the Cosby Show, believe it or not. We found some episodes online and have found that it covers so many aspects of American life, particularly growing up with siblings! Oh, that Dr. Huxtable....he seems to have a sixth sense for what his children are up to. The episode that day featured one of the children scheming about something, and struggling through the decision-making process. I think it may have been Theo wanting to take flying lessons? And then figuring out what it would cost, etc.

Then we were watching..."Cars." Yes, that's right, the Pixar animation. In fact, it wasn't even the real version, it was either a YouTube clip or a Russian compilation. There was this song..."You didn't follow my advice, you wanted to go your own way..." We had talked about that too in the context of Proverbs chapter 1.

28“Then they will call to me but I will not answer;

    they will look for me but will not find me,

29 since they hated knowledge

    and did not choose to fear the Lord.

30 Since they would not accept my advice

    and spurned my rebuke,

31 they will eat the fruit of their ways

    and be filled with the fruit of their schemes.

Then a new post came up on one of my favorite community websites, Kindred Grace (formerly Young Ladies Christian Fellowship). The article was called "How to Wisely React to Criticism" and I clicked on over. I guess I was still thinking along the lines of Proverbs and the need to seek and listen to advice. How do I respond when I receive constructive criticism? However, the article was more to do with responding to uncalled for comments, along the lines of Job's "friends," perhaps? A thought-provoking post, if you feel inclined to have a read.

Anyway, that was last week's follow-up "inspiration." This week we covered Proverbs 3, so we'll see what fruit develops.

You Were Always His

I have a confession: I tend to tune out when sermons refer to life Before and After coming to Christ: "Remember when you used to do ____ on Friday nights and now you attend church meetings?" Umm, not really. I guess I have two problems with this illustration. 1) I didn't have a radical "before" lifestyle, as I became a Christian as a child. 2) Non-Christians don't necessarily have a "wild" lifestyle. I have friends of other faiths with whom I can enjoy good, clean entertainment.

To expand on the first point, a further argument is given that we have a "false" conversion experience by repeating the "sinner's prayer," and true repentance may come at another time. This is said especially in reference to children, or others, who...may be taken advantage of, I guess? Pressured into responding to an altar call? Well, that wasn't me, either. I accepted the Gospel as truth, and I'm sure I must have prayed in my heart something like the Sinner's Prayer. It wasn't the prayer that saved me, because I wouldn't have been able to even utter the words if I hadn't already believed. But that moment certainly becomes fixed as the moment of conscious repentance.

Things I DO affirm:

-a changed lifestyle is a testimony to one's faith and to God's goodness
-while being saved, we are being refined, and undergo "mini-conversions" along the path...that is, new sin issues may come up and we may surrender them and be changed (hence experiencing a Before and After)

Meanwhile, I tried to search for MY story in the Bible. I'm not a Nicodemus, nor a Matthew, nor a Woman at the Well. The image that came to me was that of the Lost Sheep, something I've been thinking a lot about lately. The thing is that I was His from the beginning. I belonged to His flock. Maybe I was lost at one time, maybe even now I wander. But He chose to find me and call me.

When You Don't Want to Go to Church (Part 4)

Turns out I wasn't done with this series after all. I'd forgotten that I wanted to add some notes about a book I read on this topic.

Some years ago I'd heard of a book by Josh Harris called "Stop Dating the Church." I hadn't read it, but it sounded like my first post in this series, where I talk about Christian "free-lancers" and why I think that's a ridiculous idea, as opposed to being a part of one specific fellowship.

So I set out to find the book, which it turns out is now titled "Why Church Matters: Discovering Your Place in the Family of God."

A note about Josh Harris: I like him as an author because he can be controversial. Whether you agree with him or not, he isn't afraid to take a position and defend it. In an age of wishy-washy values, I admire that. Well, that and I tend to agree with his views! Yes, I was an "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" fan.

In "Why Church Matters," Harris presents a lot of initial explanations that are pretty basic: the church as the Body of Christ, etc., etc. Okay, sounds reasonable. NEXT. After that he proceeds to define "church-dater." As we've already established, I am more of a "long-term relationship" church-goer, so this view of his wasn't anything new to me, either. He states, "My goal in this book is to help you get connected and committed to a solid local church." (p. 21) Okay, that's pretty clear.

My interest was piqued about 1/3 of the way through the book when frequent mentions of the Bride of Christ started to draw me in. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I have been neglectful. When I question my own church commitment, I'm usually thinking about keeping promises, being active/disciplined, and not letting people down. But what if I instead thought of each commitment in terms of an expression of love for the Church? Not loyalty to an organization, but thinking more of the big picture.

So why is a local church the best environment for loving the Church as a whole? One reason Harris gives (quoting Piper): "Sanctification is a community project." (p. 40)

To further illustrate the idea of community, Harris describes a book which tells the story of two young Christians who "hit the highway in search of God." They were taking a break from their local church community and going on a pilgrimage.

But I like what Harris says next: "Going away is easy. Do you want to know what's harder? Do you want to know what takes more courage and what will make you grow faster than anything else? Join a local church and lay down your selfish desires by considering others more important than yourself." (p.50)

This hits home with me as I've been realizing that running away from conflict isn't always the higher road. I may be "good at" staying faithful to a local church or being a long-term friend, but what is actually going on in my heart? I can lose control of my tongue and engage in some pretty good arguments, but when it comes to something that's really irked me, I tend to want to pull away. I'll just quit teaching Sunday school. I'll just stay home from the next party. I'll just refrain from speaking up at Bible study next time. I'll just keep that person at arm's length. Sometimes hard conversations need to happen in order to move forward. It seems like to refrain from confrontation entirely would be to remain in infancy.

And how likely are those conversations to happen when you keep everyone at arm's length by not settling down in a local body? That's the thing to think about here.

I think I'll stop there even though I didn't get to all the points in the book.

Awkward in a good way?

There is nothing sweeter than seeing the result of answered prayer.

I know I'm supposed to be going to be going to (oops) bed earlier and my sore throat of 2 months is coming back, but I need to reflect.

I started thinking about it last Sunday, as in the 9th, I think it was. But I didn't have time to blog. And so, it's been brewing.

The classroom our church rents on Sunday mornings has more than one awkward feature, but the most pronounced is probably the fact that the door is at the FRONT of the room. Yep, try walking in when worship has already started, or even worse...during the sermon. No slipping in unnoticed! Or what about if you need to excuse yourself in the middle of the service, or if your child should squirm or cry? Grin and bear it? Or stand up and walk out, as everyone stares at you?

I know I sound melodramatic to some of you, for which I apologize. But the fact is that I found a positive feature of the room's backward layout.

When I'm late, people see me. I don't want them to, but they might just be glad to see me. Similarly, I see others who come in late. A lot of times this will be someone who had asked for prayer during the week. And I can't help but feel an incredible sense of thankfulness that this person is here worshiping with us.

That brother with a heart problem. The teenager with stomach pains. The young woman who lost her grandmother. The young man who hasn't been with us for many months. They CAME. In my "church" series I've been exploring the struggle of maintaining church attendance, so I am really conscious of what it takes each person to get to church.

There are a few people whose presence practically makes me burst out crying each time. Like my friend who was pregnant at the same time as me and came down with chicken pox...then got a brain infection of some sort after giving birth. Is she here today with her husband and babies? Is she even singing with the worship team? We weren't sure we would see this day.

So as I look up at the worship slides, my vision might get a little blurred. Because certain people are still walking in and trying to find seats and taking off their coats. But in my distraction, I am thankful. And I look around and am reminded of other needs, ones not answered yet. I know I must continue to pray, constantly.

Three Biographies

Just wanted to mention three people whose lives have inspired me lately.

1. C.S. Lewis-Last month we observed the 50th anniversary of his death (which coincided with the death of John F. Kennedy). Andrei and some of his colleagues at the St. Petersburg Christian University held a conference devoted to various Lewis-related topics. It was fun to hear from people that had studied his work and life so intently. And to be in an academic setting for a day. :)



2. Dietrich Bonhoeffer- I finally finished reading the biography by Eric Metaxas! It was a great read. And long, obviously. How long have I been talking about it? Since sometime last year? I recommend reading it, even if you've already read other biographies.


3. Fred Rogers-Looks kind of funny in this list, doesn't he? When I read Lewis I often have trouble convincing myself that he wrote in my native language! But Mister Rogers had a gift for explaining things simply. Can today's kids even relate to his slow pace? I put on a few clips (for David, but also for myself) and recalled my PBS childhood. And then I started to read about his life a little bit. One of the more interesting tidbits I found was this clip of him before the Senate! What a kind and talented person he was.

Family

It's late here and I still want to work on Advent a little bit, so I will just quickly share something that I was thinking about the other day.

The holiday season tends to make us re-evaluate our relationships, especially with relatives. And we may feel fresh pain over those who are far away or no longer with us. When I let myself think about numbers (how many miles, time zones; number of times we have left to see each other in this world), it does get hard.

This week we lit the candle of Hope, and here are a few observations that give me hope:

1) I am not separated from my loved ones due to conflict.

Conflict creates a feeling of emptiness. When we fight with those we love; when we are estranged from them (even for a few hours) and our intimacy is threatened, it makes a hole in our hearts.

Physical separation creates a hole, too. But then I stop to think that I'm NOT in conflict with these people I miss. The distance does not make us love each other any less and we are not inferior to those families who see each other on a regular basis.

God places us in families, but He also scatters us. This calling should not ultimately be a source of grief, even if we have moments of grieving.


2) We will see each other in Heaven.

It is an amazing blessing when we have family members who believe in Christ. We can know that nothing will separate us OR our believing relatives from the love of Christ. They are safe in His hands.

Sometimes time feels short, and we never know how much time we have. But time works differently with God, and He has it all worked out perfectly.

Friends and Families

I have been looking forward to writing this post, because it regards an inspiring story belonging to friends, and is also very relevant to my own story.

Introduction

When I was a child, our family attended (and sometimes hosted) reunions of a few housechurches that my parents had been involved in, mostly before I was born. When you are a child, you are often missing a lot of information. And I didn't really know why we were gathering, how these people had met, and what their individual stories were.

Several of the families had adopted at least one child. Here, again, I didn't fully understand certain issues: adoption, abortion, orphanages, foster care, fertility/infertility, etc.

I remember noticing different colors of skin, different eye structures, as well as some physical limitations. Do we need to mention these things out loud? Grown-ups don't always talk about them in plain language. Of one boy, I finally asked what was "wrong" with him. It turned out he had Asperger's.

Meanwhile, one particular family consisted of Hector and Sue Badeau and their children, and they lived in another state, but we saw them once a year or so. They had a lot of kids! They all looked pretty different, so they were probably adopted, but where did they all come from? How did they all live together? I think when you see a family that big and don't know them personally, it just seems like a crowd. Like that family on TV, the Duggars. How do they keep them all straight?

Well, Sue and Hector answer that question in their book that came out recently. The full title is: "Are We There Yet? The Ultimate Road Trip: Adopting and Raising 22 Kids!" Sue had shared some of it with me back when I was trying to help match some Russian kids up with local families here. But the book gives even more backstory, including from the housechurch days that involved my parents and some other friends from growing up.

I was fascinated to read the stories of each individual child, including all the family dynamics.

Here are a few thoughts that stood out to me. I hope the authors will forgive me for not using page number for now as I'm using Cloud Reader!

1) Adoption always starts with a tragedy. This is what I was thinking about when I read the part where another adoptive mom tells Sue, "Never forget, Sue, your joy as a mom to Jose is built on the ashes of another mother's grief." I remember going to a Russian summer camp with a missions team, and the director telling us, "The orphanage groups have several new kids. If they're new to the orphanage, that means they have some fresh trauma." It's something that is a part of someone's past that we can forget because we're so eager to help them start new lives.

2) God's calling. While praying about adoption decisions, Sue and Hector felt led to focus on children who were "most in need of a home and least likely to get one." I find in my own life that the paradox of God's will is that it feels extraordinary and natural at the same time. I think it's incredible that I ended up in Russia, but at the same time it feels just right. When I think of the 20+ children that Sue and Hector have raised, it is difficult to even fathom, and yet when I read their story, I realize that they are just "ordinary" people who wanted to obey God. Am I His vessel too, ready to be used?

3) Siblings! One of the more specific areas of advocacy that touched me was Sue and Hector's insistence on keeping siblings together. I forget exactly how many sibling groups they adopted, but it often took special efforts. I will never forget the story of Adam, a terminally ill child, and his brother Aaron, who was initially kept in a different family. Apparently, Adam was deemed "too disabled" to even know he had a brother.

"Adam almost never smiles. He’s not generally a pleasant child. He doesn’t snuggle or even like to be hugged. He frequently flinches when someone approaches him to wash him up, change him, feed him, or even give him a hug. His body is often stiff, and his movements are sharp and flailing. He makes some sounds, but unlike Wayne and Dylan, who delight us with their peals of laughter and funny noises, Adam’s verbal utterances tend to be cries or moans more often than contented sounds..."

And then, the reunion of the brothers...

"As soon as the bus attendant lowers the lift and Adam’s wheelchair hits the pavement, Aaron runs up to him and gives him a big hug. “Tubby!” Aaron says gleefully. And then the most wonderful thing happens—Adam’s face lights up into the biggest smile we’ve ever seen."

This sibling issue is something I would love to see fought for in Russia, too. Siblings are often split up among orphanages here. I know part of it has to do with them needing to attend certain schools, but it's sad that they can't have unlimited access to their only family members. I even have mixed feelings about this when the siblings are in the same orphanage, yet on different floors, for example. 

I still haven't quite figured out how this whole advocacy thing works in Russia. I feel like American society is more rewarding towards people who are gung-ho enough about their cause to break down every door until they see results. Resilience is a necessary trait in Russia, too. But there is a different set of etiquette, a different social hierarchy, and a different way to challenge unsatisfactory decisions. Most of it is still over my head. 

So for now I have to trust the Holy Spirit, our Advocate on high.

Entertaining thoughts

"Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. 2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers..." -Hebrews 13:1, 2a

A really elementary observation of this passage that our pastor pointed out today is that we are called to love 1) our brothers and sisters in Christ (philadelphia) AND 2) people we don't know (philoxenia). So we have a constant calling to care for our close friends and care for people who don't mean anything to us yet, at the same time. I think this is a good summary of the challenge to managing our social lives.

Whom do I personally prefer to spend time with? I think it's typical for people to feel comfortable with those they already know, rather than expending energy on getting to know new ones.

But to say entertaining one group or the other is easier or harder oversimplifies human relationships. Close friends, relatives, and especially fellow church-goers may be downright difficult to please at times!

In addition, our family has been discussing lately how we tend to find examples of kindness, thankfulness, and generosity in people who are not particularly religious. It might be a neighbor with impeccable manners, or a colleague with a heart for the homeless. Why do they seem to get it "right" without attending church and hearing these sermons?

What are our excuses? As Christians, we may try to overspiritualize simple good deeds, either by waiting for a "worthy" opportunity or in not wanting to offer praise to men lest we appear to be make idols out of them. In holding back, we may miss the opportunity to bless someone; to speak good things into their lives.

When I've had a sleepless night, the hardest part of the morning after is actually emerging from the covers and getting my feet to hit the floor so that I can start my day. After that, I may face a challenging day because of being tired, but by far the hardest part is actually waking up.

I think it is like that with hospitality sometimes. It is a lot of work to prepare for and entertain guests. Whether or not they are hard people to be around, there is always the cooking and cleaning and just setting aside our precious time. I think that for me the most challenging part is right before they arrive, with my stomach tied in knots just waiting for the doorbell to ring. But as soon as we are conversing, the blessings pour down.

We need to go back to serving a meal to people while not neglecting spiritual food. This is something my parents try to do on a regular basis. But identifying this as our calling is only half the battle. So many people around us are brothers or strangers. How do we know where to start?

I guess that brings me to my cozy bed and the breaking dawn. I just need to throw the covers off, grab my robe, and put my feet on the floor. But I'm not sure exactly what that means! What do I need in order to wake up? It is something to think about...

How it went, part 2

When we got to the church, I went to "hide" in a side room while the guests kept filing in. It seemed like a really long time went by! I got my bouquet and met up with the flower girl and the other girl who was going to sort of hold my "train" (although it wasn't THAT long). I didn't have any bridesmaids or anything.

Finally my dad and I were getting ready to enter the sanctuary. We hadn't actually even practiced to the music! In fact, the music was being cued by one of our friends. He kept running into the back room to turn it on or off.

We found it actually hard to make a right angle turn because of the way the doors were. I reminded myself to relax and smile as I walked down the aisle. This was a wonderful day! Andrei looked nervous, however. I thought he was feeling emotional about getting married. And then I saw his father running around onstage for some reason. I later learned that Andrei had forgotten to take the rings out of his backpack, so Vladimir was quickly putting them in place as my dad and I were approaching the altar!

I may be biased, but it was a beautiful ceremony. We had looked for someone outside of our church to marry us, but ended up having our own pastor and friend perform the ceremony instead. And we were glad. His sermon spoke right to our hearts. Translating the ceremony for my relatives was a guy who'd translated for us the very first time we'd visited Russia in 1996-and then he'd become a good friend.

There were so many details we just hadn't had the energy to plan. A large part of this is related to having spent most of my emotional energy on getting documents formalized prior to the wedding. I also think that neither Andrei nor I thrives on planning big, fancy events. We both have a creative/artistic side, but when it comes to execution we do better to keep things simple.

There were no bridesmaids. There was no bridal shower or bachelor/bachelorette event. There wasn't really a color scheme. I didn't get my nails done. We didn't write our own vows. We didn't make programs. Some friends made us invitations, but most of them didn't get handed out until the day of the wedding. There were family and friends helping, and we gave them the freedom to put their own personal spin on it without running it by us.

As I've mentioned before, we were just touched by people sharing in our joy. I'm amazed just scrolling through some photos and noticing that I can even pick out the smiles on the blurry faces in the background. Why all this for us? I suppose, it is a testimony of God's faithfulness. All of the people there had their own stories, their own problems to work out. What were they thinking? For me, weddings are usually a chance to forget about everyday life and just have fun. But in some way or another, I also got a glimpse of the Mystery that is marriage between two person and between the Church and Christ.

And that's not all...

Next installment

Part One is here. Note that we are talking about real-life circumstances and not my dream sequence described here. :)

...

We had a date with the specialists.

As I mentioned, I was nervous about the details: about needing to quarantine items, about dangerous substances, about a few bugs getting away and continuing to multiply...and also about needing to clean for "company" (AKA the Bug Guys). Weren't they going to be going through every nook and cranny, like my underwear drawer? (gasp)

Well, David solved that one. He needed a nap, outside. Babushka had not arrived yet. I took him outside and the bug guy (there was just one) arrived soon after and got right to work. We had to stay outside. I was not involved at all. And that's when I realized...when you are too concerned with controlling everything, the best solution is to surrender control to someone else.

So we stayed outside while it all got done, and then all went and had lunch, and stayed outside for the rest of the day too, while the apartment was airing out.

How long ago was that? A week? It seems like ages!

The bug exterminator did NOT find anyone. No signs, nothing. Our bed was "clean." Maybe we never had "tenants," or maybe we were just in time. By the time you see them running around, you've got a pretty big problem. I count it a blessing that I didn't have any encounters.

I did get some more bites, only on my ankles, up to a few days ago. I think I've been bite-free for the past few days. There could be a few offspring somewhere, but the poison will continue to work, and for now it seems that we have won.

I still have doubts sometimes, thinking of all the ways they could come back. I guess in an apartment building you're never really SAFE. The bug guy said we're having an epidemic and that the warm weather is PERFECT for the bugs to thrive. You never know which of your neighbors are trying to drive out pests, only to have them seek refuge in YOUR home.

And so I realized that this is another area of my life in which to trust God. There are a lot of times I feel like a pilgrim, when we have to travel for one reason or another. It was a relief to become apartment owners, but in the back of my mind I sometimes feel God saying, "Don't get too attached to it." Whether it's bureaucracy, vacation, or a bed bug infestation, He reminds me that the only way to really feel at home is to abide in Him.

To flee or not

I am still working on (reading) the Bonhoeffer biography. Lots of thoughts to slowly digest.

Right now I am at the part of his life where he is torn over whether or not he needs to be in Germany. Of course, as readers, we know how his life ends up.

Bonhoeffer did a lot of traveling, and could have escaped from Germany as the conflict was heating up. But when he did travel,-to America, for instance-he felt restless being away from Germany.

Journal entry from 13th June, 1939—The country house in Lakeville, Connecticut, is in the hills; fresh and luxuriant vegetation. In the evening thousands of fire-flies in the garden, like flying fire. I had never seen them before. Quite a fantastic sight. Very friendly and “informal” reception. All that’s missing is Germany, the brethren. The first lonely hours are hard. I do not understand why I am here, whether it was a sensible thing to do, whether the results will be worthwhile. In the evening, last of all, the readings and thoughts about work at home.

Another entry from the same time period: It is almost unbearable. . . . Today God’s Word says, “I am coming soon” (Rev. 3.11). There is no time to lose, and here I am wasting days, perhaps weeks. In any case, it seems like that at the moment. Then I say to myself again, “It is cowardice and weakness to run away here now.” Will I ever be able to do any really significant work here? Disquieting political news from Japan. If it becomes unsettled now I am definitely going back to Germany. I cannot stay outside [Germany] by myself. That is quite clear. My whole life is still over there.

Later, we learn that Bonhoeffer did in fact cut short his trip in favor of returning to Germany. Was it mere homesickness or a greater sense of obligation? Perhaps some of both.

Even in a time of peace, I think we often feel a sense of urgency and restlessness when we have to be away from what we believe is our place of ministry. It reminds me of times when I've been delayed from entering Russia. 

And it also resembles our situation a little bit, with people asking if we want to seek a better life elsewhere. In Russia, we're a religious minority. And the country has seen better times. For some these reasons are motivation to leave, and for others it just creates more opportunities to trust in the Lord.

*Quotes were included in the Eric Metaxas biography. I need to go back and get the page numbers...

All they need

Last weekend, we observed "Men's" Day, which is officially for "Defenders of the Fatherland," but in our church at least we honor the men, whether or not they've served in the military. They are heroes to us!

In a brilliant effort by certain church members, our appreciation of the brothers included a little video presentation featuring several of the Sunday school kids. They were asked to share about their fathers.

The children mostly described their fathers as big and strong (even fat), smart, kind, and as very loving of their families.

What did the children wish for their fathers? "Do well at work, Dad," was an oft-repeated reply.

But there was another answer that came up often. Many children wished their fathers success, but at the same time, pleaded, "Come home earlier, Dad." What a simple wish!

Kids say it best! We want our loved ones to do well. We want them to be productive and always be challenging themselves and striving towards their goals. We are proud of them.

But at the end of the day, we just want them to be...home.