5 years later

 After my latest weird dream sequence, I found my mind wandering to an alternate scenario where our church never split up.

I did the math and realized that it has been about 5 years since it all started. At the time, Sophia was a baby and I wasn't able to be involved much in the discussions that followed. It was painful to feel cut off at such a crucial time! 

If you read my blog a long time ago, you probably remember that Andrei and I both were involved a lot in our church even before we were married and had kids. And the church played a big role in our courtship and wedding.

I look at the kids now and imagine that in our old church, they would have both been attending Sunday school by now, and I would have probably been involved with music again or been attending a small group.

If we had all stayed in the same church, I had imagined the kids growing up with "church friends," who would possibly become friends for life. The year I had David, 4 other families were expecting babies. They were girls, but still could have been playmates for him.

-One family emigrated to Germany on a heritage visa, after their second child was tragically born at 24 weeks and passed away in the NICU here.

-One family emigrated to Canada, after years stuck in a cycle of poverty here.

-One family went back to the church the wife had attended before they married.

-And the other family started attending a more modern church with an impressive children's program, as that was something important to them.

If the church split had happened 3 years later, the pandemic would have been starting, and church would have been online. The arguments about music and lighting and coffee hour wouldn't have happened. But...maybe we would have argued about masks and whether or not to meet in person. In fact, I'm pretty sure the large group who broke away did in fact keep meeting, and gave each other Covid.

If the church split happened now, 5 years later, the kids would be old enough to entertain themselves as we attended the discussion sessions. I'd probably get too emotionally involved...even more than I was when it actually happened. 

Sadly, the church split probably would have happened over Ukraine if it hadn't happened already by then. I think that there was already some disagreement over the Crimea, not enough to really cause great offense, but I think that it would be hard to worship together while sharing different views on what is happening today.

It's probably good that people went their separate ways, but I always wonder if there's a way to address disagreements in a timely manner so as to prevent church splits. Or is it inevitable that churches eventually have a big conflict? Or should churches do some "pruning" periodically? Or just plan to split into smaller groups once they get to a certain size? For example, outgrow the space? Instead of looking for a new building, just split up?

Do you ever think about how life would be different if something happened in a different year?

New low-key church

It's been about a year now since we merged with another church congregation.

An interesting thing about this new church is that I would describe the majority of the members as introverted. A few people have actually come out and said that they don't want/don't like new people. You might think that sounds funny coming from Christians, but you have to give some points for straightforwardness. Tight-knit church fellowships can be very inward-focused as we seek to strengthen relationships.

When we were in talks to join our churches, along with the anti-social comments were several declarations that the other church hated "projects."

So, I guess in general you could say that we are drama-free. And that's probably a good environment for healing from the trauma that we've experienced in separating from our former church family.

Andrei and the pastor share preaching responsibilities, and I think that's been a relief for both of them. Both of our families have experienced crises in the past year, and the church has been supportive. A few months ago the pastor's daughter was healing from an injury, and Andrei preached for several Sundays without a break. But nowadays he doesn't even mind preparing a sermon at the last minute, because he is no longer needing to make decisions left and right regarding the church's future. When I was in the hospital, the pastor stepped in and Andrei was not obligated to do anything during that time of need.

The other men in the church can lead according to the Order of Worship, appointing readers depending on who is present. One man leads us in prayer for specific nations, doing a mini-presentation while reading from his phone. When the format itself is not an issue, there is room to devote attention to other matters.

There is no "Coffee Hour" ministry, but tea and coffee are ALWAYS served. Sometimes people bring treats, and other times we have to run down the street 3 times for cups, bottled water, or a package of cookies. It could be more organized, but no one makes a fuss.

There is no music ministry, right now. More on that in another post.

Friendship after 30 and beyond

Andrei and I got together with some old friends recently and shared our mutual nostalgia for our friendships in our 20s, and current lack of adult friendships.

At first I was thinking it was some sort of parent-life thing. But one couple at the table hasn't had children and is having the same issue. We were all (except for the husband from Moscow) in a small group together about 10 years ago, led by Andrei. Of course we remember it as a Golden Age. Was it? I'll have to peek at old blog posts and see if I alluded to anything. I do think it was a fruitful period of Christian fellowship and spiritual growth, as well as liking to hang out socially. Something about the combination of regular meetings+openness+many of us not married yet, seemed to foster deep relationships. Okay, they weren't perfect, but even just going around the circle sharing honest prayer requests, and following through...that was something we could count on at the time.

But attending a small group now? Although our current church has a small group, we aren't able to commute during the week at this point. You'd think we'd be hosting, like we did before kids...but after the church conflict, it's been hard to find the emotional energy to make those kinds of commitments.

"I don't want to go and waste my free time listening to everyone talk about something that isn't interesting to me," was one person's comment. It sounds cynical, considering we are talking about Christian fellowship! But when you take away the relationship, that might be a good point. I can think of many Bible study discussions where several people went off on their own tangents and in the end it felt like we talked about...nothing. So if I were a newcomer, I don't know if it would make me want to come back. But when it's a regular thing and you really want to be there, you don't look for perfection.

If we're forced to let go of past configurations, we have to find a new format. But making new friends is so...tedious. Why is it harder as an adult?

I catch glimpses on social media of friends attending Bible studies or other gatherings of friends. So clearly, some of my peers still have the hang of it. Or...are they just keeping up friendships from long ago? Or forming connections naturally with colleagues, neighbors, or fellow parents at their kids' schools? Does it ever happen easily?

Breaking up

I've written some about our church conflict, and sometimes an interesting development comes up that would be good to share, but then I run out of time OR it goes downhill again and I can't find the words anymore.

I will share eventually about the "dating" side of this period, but unfortunately right now we are still seeing relationships break down.

We have to say goodbye to being in close fellowship with a lot of long-time friends.

-they were my family for years when I was alone in a foreign country
-they walked with me through numerous trials
-they rooted for us when we were planning to marry
-they organized and witnessed our wedding
-they saw us become parents for the first time

Part of me doesn't even want to look at the wedding photos, or birthday cards from over the years, various gifts in my possession that came from these friends. Breaking up does that to you, right? You just want to erase the memories? I look at our different personalities and wonder what on earth held us together in the first place. Surely our friendships had the wrong foundations if they could disintegrate at the first sign of conflict.

Continuing winter

Grateful for a somewhat normal day (so far).

Sophia finally slept! She woke up like 4-5 times last night but was back asleep within 5-10 minutes, which is basically "sleeping through the night" in our family.

Yesterday we went outside and enjoyed a beautiful sunny snowy day. It was so nice out that I didn't want to cut it short for Sophia's nap. She ended up getting overtired and throwing a fit. It was worth it though because she was so tired she had a good night.

Last night we got more snow. When I woke up the air was still thick with clouds blocking the sun and I couldn't bear the thought of going outside in that. However, the sun is peeking out a bit, so maybe after lunch we will give it a try.

1 week ago we were getting ready to fly back from visiting my parents. I think I read somewhere that jet-lag takes one day per time zone to get over, so we should be almost done!

My mind is spinning from various news stories: a Russian plane crash, Russians in Syria killed by U.S. forces (?), school shootings in the U.S. (!), ensuing political debates, sexual harassment cases, and various sensational headlines. I wish I could watch the Olympics,  but it isn't very interesting on a computer screen and by myself! Maybe when the kids get a little older they will be interested.

I have some thoughts/updates about continuing goals for the year. But in the meantime it's off to finish baking Valentine's cookies (ahem) and read some ideas for Lent (which begins next Wednesday for us).

Holiday aftermath (Dec. 26th)

We had a lovely (Gregorian calendar) Christmas this year, which I'll describe a little bit in a minute. Just yesterday I was still feeling great about the way things were going, despite some hardships. However, it feels like today we hit a wall and everything is going downhill. Sophia was awake from about 12:30 a.m. to 5 a.m. or so. Pulling an all-nighter for some fun or productive reason is one thing, but it's another thing to be held prisoner by a tiny, laughing creature. Yep, she was laughing and head-butting me. I threw in the towel and summoned Andrei, who needed to be up at 6:30 for work...ugh.

Amidst multiple messes this morning, I was counting down the minutes until Sophia's naptime so I could take a hot shower and wash away all the frustrations of the holiday prep that had never really been dealt with. Alas, there is no hot water. So I'm blogging instead and finally having my first cup of tea!

I remember another year when Christmas went really well and I thought we were pros, only to have New Year's be kind of a stress-fest. What went wrong? I guess I just don't have enough stamina for that many holidays right in a row. Maybe I will figure it out eventually.

Dear Future Self, if you're reading this, it's normal (or typical for you, at least) to feel cranky and tired after the Christmas euphoria/adrenaline wears off. Be gentle with yourself and your loved ones. Everyone's stretched thin this time of year. Maybe you've been holding on to some feelings and not surrendering them to the Lord? Maybe it's time for some quiet.

Splitting up

Have you ever been in a church split? How did it make you feel? How did you deal with it? Were you a leaver or one left behind? One going out or sending?

We have "lost" maybe 2/3 of our congregation in the last 6 months. Doesn't matter why, but I feel like I have to grieve a little bit.

Reactions may vary and range from gossip to prayer to the hope of a turning over a new leaf. The problem with the optimistic approach, I've found, is that it doesn't allow for processing what's happened. And what has happened? It's quite typical/normal for followers of Christ to move on and worship in a new group of like-minded believers. There can be many reasons for this and they don't even have to be super "spiritual."

But when people leave because of some sort of conflict or unfulfilled dream, it feels to me like giving up on relationships. It feels like divorce. I know some might argue with me and say that sounds harsh. And I know divorce isn't the ultimate sin, either, but I feel that premature separation removes the chance for reconciliation. Harboring discontentment and then leaving without problem-solving takes away the chance for repentance and forgiveness. As each family/individual leaves, I want to believe that they are in God's will, on the path of righteousness. I sincerely desire all whom I love to be walking with Christ. But how could a broken relationship be His will? And how could it be right for one person's decision to uproot others, regardless of whether or not they would have eventually moved on? Is it a paradox?

We walked together and became cleaved to each other, in a way. I sort of alluded to this in a birthday post. When you are in a close relationship, what happens when your common link is severed? If a couple has broken up, is it possible to remain friends? Many have said that we will remain friends, but in what context? And what's the difference between being casual friends with people in other churches and remaining friends with those who used to be in the same church?

I think partly staying behind is also hard because it is less of a choice. It IS a choice, but it is not something planned, as opposed to those who made the decision to leave together. We chose to stay, not knowing who else would stay. And now we look around and see who is left. And they might not be the ones that I would have chosen to be friends with. When you first join a church, you may be starting from scratch with friendship, but then everyone gets into their little groups. And now it's like we were all thrown together from different social groups. These are the people who should be my closest friends, but I don't feel automatically close to all of them.

I suppose it is obvious that I am in favor of staying put. But it may also be a personality thing? There have been times when I have stayed in a church situation that wasn't ideal, NOT because of complacency, but because I felt God was teaching me through it. I believe that whenever there is the tiniest kernel of hope, that it is worth it to keep trying. Even when not all seems biblically sound (and no church is ever perfect or completely free from "scandal"), I sometimes see those imperfections as challenges to seek Truth and practice discernment...even though there are times when we must separate ourselves from a church that seems to be doing the work of the Evil One.

Since it is so personal, that is why I have to keep committing everyone's future to the Lord, instead of questioning the decision itself.

Rushing to post this before my laptop battery runs out! But probably more in the future.

Birthdays as an adult

Not going to write about a party or growing older...just some rambling about everyday life mingled with birthday stuff.

So my birthday was a few days ago and I set expectations low...no offense to anyone who helped make it special, which I appreciated. ;)

I had the usual birthday insomnia. Does anyone else have that? Again not even really related to deep thoughts about growing older....just general wakefulness and trying to plan out the next day.

Finally was trying to fall asleep around 2:30 a.m., when Sophia joined me for the night. After several wake-ups, I started getting birthday texts around 8 am (on a Sunday morning). However, they were not texts from actual people. They were from stores wanting to "congratulate" me...and inviting me to buy something, of course.

Around 9 Sophia was up for the day, so I headed into another room to play, but Andrei sent me back to bed. After tossing and turning, I was just drifting back to sleep when a friend called. I lied and pretended I hadn't been sleeping. We talked for 5-10 minutes and I really tried to be conversational. But I couldn't help thinking my cup was empty...my people energy, that is.

Andrei made me breakfast, and Sophia was napping by that time since she'd been up for a few hours. Then he went to finish sermon prep and David and I started to make a cake...but Sophia woke up. Like I said, I had low expectations...I looked at the bowl with the butter sitting in it all alone since I hadn't mixed anything together yet. It wasn't too late to run and get dessert from the store. But Andrei took Sophia and encouraged me to go ahead with it.

Processing

I don't know if there is any way to kind of "speed up" the processing that you go through after traumatic (major or minor) events. If we could control it, I suppose we would choose to fall apart only when convenient. I know as a parent especially, I try to "hold it together" until another adult comes and I can go cry. But again, it isn't that easy to control.

So this month there have been a lot of various stressful events-terrorist attacks, church conflict, holiday tension....and I felt totally calm. Well, on the day of the bombing, I wanted to cry, but didn't want the kids to get upset...yet by evening, the feelings were gone.

Then with church stuff, I honestly felt at peace. But when I was physically at the church meeting, it all started coming back...just like I had to go through certain emotions when entering the metro after the terrorist attack. I had to be in the sanctuary and see the empty seats to really feel the loss.

We've got colds in our house now...we had some church friends over for fellowship last Friday, and Sophia started projectile vomiting! Heh, sorry for the visual.

I was thinking back to last year when there was also church stuff going on, and people prayed for our family, and then David broke his collarbone! Which is not to say that it was a direct correlation. BUT for Andrei to be able to stay focused in his ministry, he really needs his family life to be peaceful. Everyone being sick and cranky probably doesn't help, but there is also a lot of cooperation going on, and it could be a lot worse. Like I said, there is a lot going on...but I'd better hit publish.

What Christian marriage really looks like

When Andrei and I were engaged or maybe newly married, I remember talking with a friend about how hard it was to find time to spend together as a couple. She had been married a while already and had a few kids, and kind of laughed a little in response. "I remember those days!" she said. And I wondered what other kind of marriage relationship there would be, once you're not striving to spend every minute of every day together.

One thing that happens sometimes if you're church members is that the ministry that might have brought you together in the first place often keeps you physically apart. You might fall in love with someone by seeing him/her serving others, but later that service is what keeps your loved one from coming home earlier. And your family life might be interrupted by ministry-related phone calls. Even weekends are often taken up by "church activities." When Andrei and I were dating, my dad once visited our church on a Sunday, and wondered if we had had an argument. We never even bothered sitting together at services because I would sing on the worship team and then go to sit down just as Andrei was getting up to preach or make an announcement. Half the time I would leave to go teach Sunday school and never even be in the room at all aside from dropping/collecting my coat.

We spent more time together BEFORE we were dating, going to McDonald's after church with our small group! We were all free to just hang out!

A year of this

Still need to finish typing up Sonya (Sophia)'s birth story. It is bittersweet in a way because I didn't know until recently how injured I was. But she is a delightful baby and I think the birth experience was gentle for her, if that's a thing.

The birth story isn't scary, I promise. :)

But as for daily life, I am feeling very thankful to be allowed to be at home. I don't really have a way to even get out by myself with the kids, but I look forward to doing that as I get stronger. While I have my MIL helping (hopefully for years to come!) and David doesn't need to be in school, I am really looking at it as a time to heal. It is a very important time in terms of being more functional in the future.

This morning I convinced David to snuggle with me in bed a little longer, as Sonya can sleep until 10 or 11. A text from Andrei told me it was snowing outside. I hadn't even looked! Then a friend came over and took David out to play, and Sonya went down for a nap, so I had a quiet house for a bit. I made an orange peel and cinnamon infusion on the stovetop and it was so relaxing. We had lunch, the friend went home, and David went down for a nap without a huge struggle.

Andrei came home and we chatted for a bit before David woke up. Then thanks to David having had less screen time earlier in the day, I felt no guilt putting on Netflix while cleaning the kitchen before small group. Then Nina came over to help before friends came for Bible study. David was so excited to play with her!

It was good to see church family since it had been 5 months. I was still very symptomatic today but got to see people and have a connection with the outside world. Survived another day!

A Day in the Life

Today was just one of those days where David was a little more rambunctious than usual! Once again I was thankful to have a more domestic day with few interruptions from the outside world, but I sure am glad his shenanigans are normally fewer in number. Also, we are at the halfway point of Andrei being away. So like I said in the last post, I'm feeling kind of "mom-busy."

I stayed up late last night enjoying the quiet. My kind of quiet...catching up via the Internet at my own pace, and doing a little reading for fun.

Didn't get the miracle I hoped for, and David woke up pretty early this morning. So I went to get him his chocolate milk and turn on Netflix. We started giving him chocolate milk when weaning from breastfeeding (at 2.5 yrs!), so it kind of stuck. No cavities that we know of!

David usually hangs out in the kitchen, but I wanted to snooze a bit and didn't want him in there unsupervised. So I set him up in the living room, right next to our bedroom....

An hour later, he had wet his pants. Just one hour. Somehow it seems to only happen on my watch and never when Andrei is in charge! I found some dry clothes for him and crawled back under the covers...

About a half million requests later (it's hard to make Buzz Lightyear's arms go the right way), I found myself in the living room again, this time to find David sliding around in a puddle on the floor, exclaiming "chocolate milk is slippery!" Again...Andrei gives him chocolate milk, end of story. I give it to him and get to clean up a chocolate milk eruption. Was kind of a backwards start to the housecleaning I had planned, but we rolled with it.

Went to bring the laptop back to the kitchen and felt something on the underside...it was modeling clay. Stuck right to the bottom of my computer, partially covering the fan. Uggghhh. David "didn't know" how it had gotten there, but still apologized, and then eventually confessed.

Table for one

Today was a little bit of a crabby weird day! David had a screaming fit in the middle of the night and wouldn't tell us what he wanted. When we asked him in the morning of course he said he had wanted something like a snack, but why all the screaming??? Thankfully Andrei is always really patient with him, as I found the yelling physically painful.

Anyway, we were all a bit crabby in the morning, and Andrei was trying to finish some curriculum work that is incredibly draining and time-consuming. But David and I were in and out a lot, embroiled in various conflicts related to potty-training and the like. Yesterday's problem was that I couldn't get him dressed because he made his legs turn to jelly and wouldn't stand up!

David's new favorite game is for us to "switch" roles. He is Mommy and I am David. He gets to boss me around and it is pretty funny hearing his impressions of me! However, he somehow thinks of this game around bedtime. Then he gets to just read me a story and go off while I go to sleep in "my" (fit for a toddler) bed!

I've been trying to get David to strengthen his muscles more, so I've been letting him jump on furniture more, and setting up sort of obstacle courses. It's hard to get him to run around outside and he just isn't a risk taker in this area, which means fewer injuries, but also a lot of pent-up energy that he isn't letting out! I saw this great blog post today about boys and energy: http://www.themobsociety.com/blog/5-practical-actions-to-help-boys-behave

Meanwhile I was a little bit ready for a break and then Andrei stepped in and I started getting ready for worship practice. I just assumed it was time for me to go since he was taking over. I even thought I was going to be late! So I took the tram to the metro, and then actually had a few minutes to spare, so I decided to take a little side trip to Palace Square, since I haven't been there in ages! I was going to see if there was still a memorial to the plane crash victims, but it seemed that everything had already been taken down. I did take a little picture for my Instagram, and as I was doing that, a young man approached me and thrust one of those paper lanterns at me saying it was free. I put my phone away very carefully and tried to keep track of my pockets, flute, purse with phone inside, and a bag of clothes I was carrying to church. He then said that they were looking for donations for an orphanage, but didn't have any actual paperwork. I took out a small bit of cash and gave it to him, but he didn't really react, and I handed the paper lantern back, too. And then I kept rechecking all my zippers and pockets as I walked away.

I looked at my phone and it was 5:45 pm.

I got to church and climbed up the stairs, got through one set of doors, and the next set was locked! I went back to the hallway to wait, but started doing the math in my head. If it was 5:45 when I was at Palace Square, then it wasn't 7pm when I arrived at church...it was only SIX! I had completely lost track of what time I should leave the house and what time things started. Not to mention my family didn't notice anything either. There I was, having dutifully walked from the metro to get exercise, but now completely exhausted AND hungry and not even at the right place at the right time! I could have been at home sweet home for a whole additional hour!

I headed outside with all my baggage and walked toward a pizzeria where we'd had the rehearsal dinner for our wedding. But everyone inside looked like they were on a date, so I passed on that. Next I found my way to a local coffee house chain. I made myself get something savory instead of a piece of cake. Big disappointment! The "burger" I ordered (costing a small fortune) was mystery meat with a mustard sauce and cilantro, and a side dish of pickled olives and peppers. I forget how different Russian "other" cuisine can be. I find that it's better to order something Russian, which is more predictable, rather than order some other cuisine and be surprised by the Russian spin on it (steer clear of the quesadillas). So, I'm glad I got a few burger fixes when I was in the UK and U.S. recently!

When I finally arrived at worship practice at the CORRECT time, it turned out other people had arrived early too, and visited the Starbucks around the corner. I could have been with them the whole time! Oh well.

P.S. There is no Starbucks cup controversy here in Russia.

Christian Education Rant

David has been more willing to attend Sunday school, which is his only school-like activity during the week. He is tolerant as opposed to enthusiastic, but no tears at least. Sometimes I wonder if it is very stressful for him, because he talks a lot about going home. After he spent some time with my MIL during worship, he had to keep tabs on where everyone was and make sure no one was going home without him. I told him we were going to go back upstairs to see the rest of the family after we did our Sunday school work. And I think he may see it as sort of a ticket to go home! But nevertheless, he is slowly adapting.

It has been fascinating to watch David's peer group develop, after years of teaching Sunday school myself. Preschoolers have the best comments, and very short attention spans! I shake my head just remembering how we kept trying to have "lessons" with them when they were only 2 years old. Of course there are older kids too, up to age 6 or 7. But there are 5 or 6 that are David's age, so they form the majority.

Earlier this fall, an announcement was made that in the next month or two, preschool parents would be expected to stop attending Sunday school with their offspring. I was a bit outraged at this decision being made for us! I know that it is difficult for the teachers when there is a peanut gallery full of parents. And some kids do act more mature with their parents absent. But who was going to accompany the young ones to the potty? Help with the complicated craft projects? Remove an unruly pupil? And what about the ones feeling anxious? It just didn't seem like something you could do on a specific timeline, especially when the kids aren't EXACTLY the same age. 6 months or a year can make such a huge difference developmentally.

Incline your ear

What's your worship style?

As a member of a worship "team," I sometimes feel like I'm under scrutiny. Do I have the right stage presence? It's not a performance, but there is still pressure to behave properly and have a certain look.

I have been in churches that described their own worship sessions using terms like "freedom" and "Spirit-led." To me it seemed like it gave extroverts an excuse to scream, cry, and dance around. I don't take issue with their expression; only with it being labeled as something more spiritual. I only mean that others can be touched deeply too, without it coming to the surface. Does there have to be an outward manifestation? Are there other ways to see fruit?

People can adapt to different cultural norms for worship, which isn't a bad thing. It is completely respectful to rein in one's personal preferences, to sit and stand (or clap your hands!) on command, or to sing songs that are in a different style than desired. Casting off preferences is an act of service, too. There is plenty of this that goes on at our church in Russia, as many songs are translations of Western songs, with different keys and lyrics than might be common in the Russian tradition.

But I'm getting kind of sidetracked. Without going into all the intricacies of worship music and personality differences, I was once again meditating on how I was to worship. And the words came to me: Incline your ear. Which occurs in scripture in several places, though the wording is different in different translations.

For example:

My son, if you will receive my words
And treasure my commandments within you,
Make your ear attentive to wisdom,
Incline your heart to understanding...(Proverbs 2:1, 2 NASB)

For simplicity's sake, we'll say it means to listen. Except that when I'm singing, I often feel like I actually want to tilt my head and lean in closer, as if I'll hear it better-as if the words might have a better chance of reaching my heart.

And that's what I think about when I'm singing up there...or offstage, or at home, or wherever! I just want to absorb the truths in the words as best I can. Maybe it's not straight scripture, but I can stand with others in agreeing about whatever it is the worship songs proclaim.

You could say that I'm just being an introvert, wanting to stand there and listen, and not show any reaction. Even when I'm in a community worship setting and even when I'm supposed to be helping lead, I just want to listen. But it's not necessarily a passive thing. However, I guess you could say I do lose some inhibitions, as doing anything onstage is normally a bit intimidating.

Is there anything wrong with just being yourself when you sing to God? Have you ever received a personal revelation about how you worship? Do you think your everyday personality changes when you "enter in" to worship?

Thinking Cap

I had a busy week, but there was something different about the intensity. It was one of those times when it felt like my problem-solving skills had to be on constant alert! I used to have these kinds of adventures all the time, especially when first living in Russia, or during seasons when I would be commuting to all different parts of St. Petersburg each day of the week. Times when you have to be thinking, thinking, thinking. Like when it would take me an eternity to find someone's home; the public transportation route, street name, building number, entryway, apartment number, floor, and door code all in my head or scribbled on one or more scraps of paper.

That was the kind of week I had, including a meltdown halfway through! But it's not meant to be a complaining post, and/or bragging about how "busy" I've been. Just doing some reflecting about some experiences, and thinking about why I might have felt overwhelmed.



Last Friday

-Commenced making a cake for an event, using a new recipe. Failed twice (complete inedible disaster), then ran out of time.
-Was called into the bank to "fill out a form." Didn't understand what/why or how to fill it out. And the bank employee didn't either. Left feeling confused.
-Headed over to worship practice for the first time in the new building, but didn't know where to go! After waiting around for about 10 minutes, received a call from the worship leader, who came out and led me to the new room.
-Got home around 11pm, found a new cake recipe, and finally had success, though I had to calculate carefully since I had very few ingredients left at that point!



Saturday

-Got up early to get ready for the church baby shower: presents and cake all packed up; had to figure out how to stop along the way for fresh strawberries and some other last-minute ingredients; took the metro and then a tram and then circled the buildings looking for the hostess' apartment...
-After arriving, got all the cake layers assembled/frosted/decorated/etc....whew.

Long story...

New Venue

On Sunday I visited our new church location for the first time. The funny thing is that there are only so many Protestant church buildings in the city, and along with the Orthodox ones, they were given some other purpose during Communism (I'll get to that later). Now that the church properties belong to the Church again, we attend a range of events in these few buildings. We got married in one, attended weddings in another, went to a concert in the one further down the street...

The meeting hall we're renting now is the one with the gymnasium floor, up at the top of the stairs, where we once sat to hear a poetry recital, as well as attended a Santa Lucia celebration. That's how I remember it, anyway.  And now I'll spend my Sundays there.

Since so many congregations share the space, no one's really taken ownership...not completely, anyway. I don't know all the details and I'm sure that efforts have been made to fix it up at least a little. But it's pretty run-down. Our conversations have been abuzz with discussion about which repair job is most important. Many wanted to focus on the floor, but the floor doesn't bother me. If you went to my church growing up, you know that the sanctuary always doubled as a gymnasium. Ugly, but familiar! So it made me feel right at home. BUT...I keep needing to be reminded that the gym floor in this case is a symbol of oppression and persecution; of a time when churches (in an architectural sense) were not used for worship. I can understand the need to wipe out that memory...to diminish its power, maybe? But at the same time, why not leave it there so that we can cherish freedom all the more? I'm not going to get involved, though. ;)

Can't decide where to embed this,
so I'll just plop it here!

Run-down

Some items from last week, a few from right now, and some plans...


1) David had an eye infection last week. I guess it might have been plain old pink-eye. We used some drops and it got better before we made it to the doctor. But what's weird is that a few days later my friend mentioned that both of her kids had had it, too. David hadn't been in contact with anyone all week, and it's actually school vacation time right now. However, it WAS really windy outside, with lots of debris flying around. I wonder if that is making people get more eye infections? I've been avoiding wearing contacts until it calms down a little.

2) On transplants: a family I know here in St. Petersburg recently went through a test of faith...their baby girl got quite sick, and it was determined that she needed a new liver. And time was of the essence, and it was going to be expensive, and they didn't want to have it done in Russia. So there was a whirlwind of fundraising and travel plans, a connection made with a hospital in Belgium, etc. The father was a match and donated 1/3 of his liver to his daughter, and she took to it well. Now that I'm writing, it sounds like nothing, but seeing it all unfold and the money coming in and all the prayers being answered was quite emotional. Meanwhile, a girl I know in the U.S. (who had lost her own father) saw a notice and ended up being tested and donating part of her liver to a complete stranger! Again...I'm not doing the story justice, but great to hear about good outcomes and people's selfless acts!

3) The neighbor kids: I think of myself as liking children, but it seems that since having my own, I have a little bit of tunnel vision. Or maybe just distracted all the time and not as able to pay attention to other people. Sometimes I can't resist, though. The other day I was going down in the elevator by myself and two sisters from another floor got on, too (it's summer vacation now). So cute! The older girl was clearly in charge and marched off holding the younger by the hand. The younger girl kept stealing a peek at me and I smiled at her, even though Russians don't always smile at children they don't know. There is also a family with a boy around D's age and then a baby girl (I think). I've seen them at the playground but haven't introduced myself. I feel sort of in awe of the mothers wrangling a toddler and a baby in the carriage at the same time. It's like they're on a completely different mothering plane. Sometimes I think that having kids the same age isn't really grounds enough for friendship, but getting to know at least a few families around here would be good. And getting to know the neighbors is sort-of a goal.

Launch

I rejoined the worship team recently thinking it was going to be a Friday night/Sunday morning commitment...but that was before I knew about the worship night coming up (tomorrow). And obviously my family also wasn't expecting me to be at rehearsals 2 nights a week. Yeah, I might not do the worship night next time...but on the other hand, I got this kind of jumpstart back into church stuff. It's 2 evenings away from my family, but it's also 2 evenings of deep conversations and riding home in the metro together, just like old times. It's kind of like when David was a baby and Andrei would have a big workload or something...suddenly things were more challenging, but it also helped me to move forward and gain some new skills.

I mentioned the relationships, and what can I say...we all are still learning how to die to ourselves. But we're aware of that, and we're praying about it. I don't think there is a strategy for running a worship team that would allow us to be productive and peaceful and perfectly musical all the time. But for our worship to be an offering it will take sacrifice, it seems.

Another interesting factor is the size of the group. When a team is growing, we probably all think to ourselves at one moment or another, "Do I really need to be here?" Or maybe, "Does he/she really need to be here?" And it can be a delicate matter, especially when there are more than enough willing participants. But I realized that it's actually a relief to be "expendable," as it were. We can take turns without it seeming like we lack commitment. and no one will begrudge a sick baby.

The costumes and constant posting of pumpkin photos on social media remind me that I'm living in a foreign country...what are these fall festivities of which you speak? Tomorrow is just a "regular" day here...maybe with the exception of some parties. And worship night.

Imperfections Reappear

Last Sunday was my first time back on the worship team. It had been about 2.5 years! I love singing and playing music, but I had forgotten how challenging it can be for various reasons.

Of course in my rose-colored memories, we would just show up and "get our praise on," singing our hearts out in perfect harmony. The reality though was that we had no sound equipment, few songs in common, and we practiced in a shared flat, which the neighbors must have loved! We worked hard then too, but I think there was a unique pleasure in having a worship team where there previously hadn't been.

Now the worship team is huge and we have so much equipment it doesn't really fit in the room...if you still want to fit the people in, that is. It takes a lot of time to carry around and set up and sometimes the singing sounds all wrong if one person's microphone isn't working right. We have a huge list of songs now but each one is disliked by at least one person in the group. Some people sing too loudly and others sing too softly.

There will always be something to complain about, but I realized that one of the biggest challenges of it all is relating to everyone. I wish we could just do our thing and not have to do conflict resolution. As I go home, I feel stung by Person A's criticism, resentful of Person B's inadequate song choices, and guilty about my own selfish reactions to it all (these are just hypothetical, but you get the idea).

It is hard to be in fellowship, and I pray, "Thank You, Lord, for helping us to sharpen one another." That's what it's about. We come expecting to be used and to make something beautiful, but we have to go through a lot of "stuff" first. Humility sometimes seems like an unreachable aim!