Sunday, June 27, 2010

A fear

Have you ever been afraid to be happy? I mean, afraid to let your guard down?

Sometimes I fear that if I have too much, I will forget God. And when I receive something I want, I murmur to Him, "Are you sure you want to give me that? Don't you want to test me a little more first?"

Or I'm struck by thoughts of guilt: somebody out there is saying the same prayer, and getting a different answer.

Why me?

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What if all my dreams come true someday? What will I strive towards then? Of course the pursuit of His heaven will always keep us busy...but in this life?  Where does this feeling come from that it's wrong to be happy? And I don't mean rich. I mean, content, satisfied.

I think sometimes the Enemy tries to take our thankfulness and turn it into uncertainty and guilt. But if we strive towards "piety" and somberness, to try to prove that we have denied all earthly pleasures...then we miss a chance to acknowledge the One who holds our lives in the palm of His hand.

And to get back to my fear...I know the Lord loves me, and I believe that He "disciplines those He loves." I just have to pray and believe that He will not let me be content, fully content, in anything less.

2 comments:

  1. I just wrote a long and thought-out reply to this and accidentally erased it. Hm.... maybe it was God's will somehow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can't tell you how many blog posts I've ended up deleting! Well, you did make me curious...

    ReplyDelete

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